A jock and a geek applying for the same job. The boss said, "Boys, you need to take a test before you can get this job." So they took the test and the next day they came back to see who the boss chose. "Well," he said, "Both of you got the same score except I'm going to choose the geek." The jock complained, "Don't you think that's prejudice or something?" "Well," the boss said, "Let me tell you what happened. Both of your papers were right all the way through until the last question came up, and the geek answered 'I don't know,' and then when I looked at your paper, you answered, 'Me either'.
A baby was born who was so advanced, he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor. "Are you my doctor?" he asked. "Yes, I am," said the doctor. The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth." He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?" "Yes, I am," she said. "Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said. He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?" "Yes, I am," his father answered. The baby motioned him close, then poked him on the forehead with his index finger repeatedly saying, "I want you to know that THAT HURTS!"
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C. The Russians used a pencil.
During the World Cup, the TV's mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you will lose it (your eye). 3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don't mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me. If you decide to stand nude in front of the TV, make sure you put clothes on right after because if you catch a cold, I won't have time to take you to the doctor or look after you during the Confederation & World Cup month. 4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick up the baby that just fell on the floor....It won't happen. 5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12am and 6am, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day. 6. Please, please, please!! If you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say "get over it, it's only a game", or "don't worry, they'll win next time". If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about football than me and your so called "words of encouragement" will only lead to a break up or divorce. 7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the half time scores is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying "one" game; hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to "spend time together". 8. The replays of the goals are very important. I don't care if I have seen them or I haven't seen them, I want to see them again, Many times. 9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because: a) I will not go, b) I will not go, and c) I will not go. 10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash. THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION.
One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday. On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer. The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend. So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing. The teacher says, " Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?" Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!"
Q: How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? A: Have you ever seen a rabbit with glasses?
Astute Observations The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content. I live in my own little world, but it's OK. Everyone knows me here. I saw a very large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Left Tackle?” I don't do drugs. I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast. I don't like political jokes. I've seen too many get elected. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary’s. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys. Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I've stayed alive. No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team's winning. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well? Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool? Marriage changes passion . . . suddenly you're in bed with a relative. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't need the freakin' class! Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference. Wouldn't you know it! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
I've been attempting a re-write of the old 'Fock em all...' song for the modern day. (Please feel free to replace the word 'Fock' with one of your choice! :lol: ) So Far... Fock em all, Fock em all, the long and the tall and the short The ones who would kill you to save half a pence, the ones who would ruin ya for the recompense. Fock em all, Fock em all, the long and the tall and the short The gossips, the dirt-bags who spread all the s**t, the druggies who'd kill ya for just one more hit Fock em all, Fock em all, the long and the tall and the short the by-the-book tossers who won't give an inch, the miserable Focks who act like the Grinch Fock em all, Fock em all, the long and the tall and the short the righteous old bastards who're all hypocrites, the scummy politicos who get on your tits Fock em all, Fock em all, the long and the tall and the short the strange Fockin' weirdos you meet everyday, the normal creeps who hide it away Fock em all, Fock em all, the long and the tall and the short the miserable s**ts who won't say hello, the arsehole MPs who belong down below Fock em all, Fock em all, the long and the tall and the short the Banker, the wankers - ya know what I mean the ones who roll in s**t yet always seem clean Fock em all, Fock em all, the long and the tall and the short The ones' who make promises they never deliver, the takers, the users but never the givers Fock em all, Fock em all, the long and the tall and the short ... hopefully, it'll end in something like this... We'll say goodbye to em all, line-by-line 'gainst the wall and with a shower of lead, we'll mow them all down. So come on my friend, turn ya frown upside down. Fock em all, Fock em all, the long and the tall and the short