"When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely. Since then I've got a dog, bought a new motorbike, shagged two women and blown a grand on drugs and drink. She'll go mental when she gets home from work."
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope... Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office. Sincerely, Edna
When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School. One of the questions asked us to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect. Those who answered spine are doctors today. The rest of us are sending jokes via email.
A sexual grievance - it's no small thing... Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine. He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore. She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy. The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" "It's Frank. The midget."
Male Fairy Tale Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, “Will you marry me?” The Princess said, “No!!!” And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and dated skinny long-legged full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frikin cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up. The End
If you think, for one second, you’ve got a bad job, on your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy. I want you to go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice there is a disclosure in very fine print that reads: “Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.” Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, “I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.” Have a wonderful day knowing that, no matter how bad it is, there is always a job that’s more of a pain than yours.
A King enrolled his donkey in a race & won. Local paper read: 'KING's ASS WON' The king was so upset with this kind of publicity that he gave the donkey to the queen. The local paper then read: "QUEEN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN" The king fainted.... Queen sold the donkey to a farmer for 10$. Next day paper read: "QUEEN SELLS HER ASS FOR $10" The queen fainted... The next day king ordered the queen to buy back the donkey and leave it in jungle. The Next Headlines: "QUEEN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS FREE & WILD" The king died... !
Dinner Conversation WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again? MAN: Definitely not! WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married? MAN: Of course I do. WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry? MAN: Okay, I'd get married again. WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) MAN: (makes audible groan) WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed? MAN: Where else would we sleep? WOMAN: Would you replace my pictures with hers? MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do. WOMAN: Would she use my golf clubs? MAN: No, she's left-handed.
"The Note" John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wife's side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into the room and asked him to deliver a note which he wrote to her. The note read: The Tent Pole Is Up, The Canvas Is Spread, The Hell With Breakfast, Come Back To Bed. Heather, grinning, answered the note through their son. The note read: Take The Tent Pole Down, Put The Canvas Away, The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage, No Circus Today. John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. The note read: The Tent Pole's Still Up, And The Canvas Still Spread, So Drop What You're Doing, And Come Give Me Some Head. Laughing, Heather answered the note. The note read: I'm Sure That Your Pole's The Best In The Land. But I'm Busy Right Now, So Do It By Hand!
After having dug to a depth of 10 metres last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago. Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, British scientists dug to a depth of 20 metres, and shortly after, headlines in the UK newspapers read: "British archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots." One week later, "The Kerryman," a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 metres in peat bog near Tralee , Paddy O'Droll, a self taught archeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Ireland had already gone wireless."
Two Aussie builders ( Phil and Eric ) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit. Phil: I reckon he`s an accountant. Eric: No way - he`s a stockbroker. Phil: He ain`t no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn`t come in here! The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal., Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder. Phil: Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living? Suit: No offence taken! I`m a Logical Scientist by profession. Phil: Oh! Whats that then? Suit: I`ll try to explain by example .. Do you have a goldfish at home? Phil: Er...Mmm, Well yeah, I do as it happens. Suit: Well, it`s logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it? Phil: It`s in a pond! Suit: Well then it`s reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden. Phil: As it happens, yes I have got a big garden! Suit: Well then it`s logical to assume that in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house. Phil: As it happens I`ve got a five-bedroom house... built it myself. Suit: Well given that you`ve built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven`t built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? Phil: Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children. Suit: Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis? Phil: Yep! Four nights a week! Suit: Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often? Phil: Me? Never. Suit: Well there you are! That`s logical science at work! Phil: How`s that then? Suit: Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I`ve told you about your sex life! Phil: I see! That`s pretty impressive... thanks mate! Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate. Eric: I see the suit was in there,. Did you ask him what he does? Phil: Yep! He`s a logical scientist! Eric: What`s that then? Phil: I`ll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish? Eric: Nope Phil: Well then you`re a w*nker.
A woman walks into the house and tells her husband: "Pack your bags, I just won the lottery!" He says: "Where are we going?" She says: "I don't give a damn where you go...Just get the hell out!" (That could be switched up for hubby or wifey.)
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up." After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!" She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!" She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"