Q. You know what's the really nice thing about having Alzheimer's disease? A. You're ALWAYS meeting new people
A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,"Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
Top Ten Ways To Tell That You've Been In IT Too Long: 10. You're so tired you now answer the tech line, "Hell." 9. You setup an e-mail rule that automatically moves all incoming mail to your deleted items folder, which activates another rule that deletes the deleted items permanently. All of these steps make you feel powerful, somehow. 8. Visions of the upcoming 3rd-person shooter marathon weekend you have planned with your friends helps you make it through...er...Monday. 7. You instinctively bring your ID badge to parties so you can compare security clearances. 6. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your email-order bride, has arrived. 5. You prefer your handle to your real name and actually investigate legally changing it, but decide to wait until your parents die so they won't be upset when you do. 4. Your bookmarks take 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom. 3. When, after fooling around all day with routers etc., you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number. 2. You start laughing hysterically when the topic of computer reliability is brought up. And, the number one way to tell that you've been in IT too long: 1. It's always too late when you realize there is not a sound in the house, and you have no idea where your children are.
A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?" Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job." Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Jesus Christ! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!" The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?" "Yes." "Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?" "Yes." "And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?" "Yes." "Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500." Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?" The hooker replies, "$1,500." I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!" The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500." The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up." Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?" The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?" "Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?" "No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."
Seven Ages of the Married Cold 1st year--The husband says, "Oh, sweete pie, I'm really worried about those nasty sniffles you have! There's no telling what that could turn into with all the strep that's been going around. I'm going to take you right down to the hospital and have you admitted for a couple days of rest. I know the food is lousy there, so I'm going to bring you some takeout from Tosini's. I've already arranged it with the head nurse." 2nd year--"Listen, honey, I don't like the sound of that cough. I called the doc and he's going to stop by here and take a look at you. Why don't you just go on to bed and get the rest you need?" 3rd year--"Maybe you better go lie down, darling. When you feel lousy you need the rest. I'll bring you something--do we have any canned soup around here?" 4th year--"No sense wearing yourself out when you're under the weather. When you finish those dishes and the kids' baths and get them to bed, you ought to go to bed yourself!" 5th year--"Why don't you take a couple aspirin?" 6th year--"You oughta go gargle or something, instead of sitting around barking like a dog!" 7th year--"For pete's sake, stop sneezing. Are you trying to give me pneumonia? You'd better pick up some tissues while you're at the store."
Little Jonny is having a bath with Mom he looks down at her pussy and says "Mom whats that?" Feeling a little uncomfortable she replies "Thats Mommys sponge" a couple of days later Jonny comes home from school and asks Mom, "Mom can I have another look at your sponge?" A little bit shocked she tell s him she has lost her sponge and is not quite sure were it is A few hours have passed when jonny races in out of breathe and Yells "Mom,Ive found your sponge!" "Where" she asks," did you find it" "The lady next door has it and shes using it to wash Daddys face!"
It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It's empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks. Papa Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it's empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars. Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the table, it was Momma Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-butts downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time. I haven't made the f**king porridge, yet!"
Little Johnny sees His father sitting, reading the paper. He goes up to his father and says "Daddy, where do babies come from?" The father says "I'm busy...go ask your mother". not 2 minutes later, Johnny comes back, singing "I-know-where-babies-come-from" The father folds up His paper and, in an annoyed tone, says "Where?!?" Johnny says "Mom said I'm so sweet, I came from the sugar bowl". The father says "Yep...that's about the size of it."
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''
Bono, the lead singer of the band U2 is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous. He is playing a U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland when he asks the audience for total quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." A voice with a broad Scottish accent, from near the front of the crowd, pierces the silence............. "Well, fookin' stop doin' it then!"
St. Patrick's Day is two weeks from today, so here's one for all of your Irish friends: Q: How many Irishman does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Fook it! We'll drink in the dark!
Father Polar Bear is walking with his son along the North Pole. Son asks: "Father, was grandpa a real Polar Bear?" "Yes son, grandpa was a real Polar Bear" After several minutes the son asks: "Father, was grandma a real Polar Bear?" "Yes son, grandma was a real Polar Bear too" After a minute the son asks: "Father, is mother a real Polar Bear?" "Yes son, mother is also a real Polar Bear, why all these questions?" "Father, I am so cold!"
A sign of the old unfettered mind I was thinking the other day ........ that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans. I was thinking...... about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it. I thought about....... making a movie for folks my age and call it "Pumping Rust." I have found that women my age..... going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of their face. I was thinking about........ how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me - they were cramming for their finals! You know...... when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!" I've thought about..... those employment applications and that blank that always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write ...Good Doctor! I've always wondered........... why they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do.. . . write to these criminals? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? I thought about being rich...... and it doesn't mean so much. Just look at Henry Ford, all those millions and he never owned a Cadillac! I wonder.... If you jogged backward ... would you gain weight? I wonder........ what you call a pocket calculator in a nudist camp? I wonder....... if Adam ever said to Eve, "Watch it! There are plenty more ribs where you came from!" I have decided....... that Nostalgia is the VCR of our minds. I have noticed........ when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you put him in a car he sticks his head out the window! Also: you have to fight to give a dog a bath, yet they'll sit out in the rain for hours on end. I'm not into working out! My philosophy: No pain, no pain. Have you ever noticed... that anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
Wow, your boy is over there ugly. -Satoshin this is my Son ... -Oh sorry, I did not know that you are the father ... -I am his mother! That's just for Paul Desmond (Trump&Hoodwinked!) Rotkäppchen geht alleine durch den dunklen Wald. Auf einmal hört sie hinter einem dichten Busch ein Rascheln. Sie schiebt die Äste und Sträucher beiseite und plötzlich sitzt Donald Trump vor ihr. Oh, Donald warum hast du so groooße rote Augen? Hau ab. Ich bin am kacken! Woman moans of pain on the maternity ward. He: I'm so sorry my angel, that you have to go through the. They: Do not worry. That's not your fault You Grandpa, why have you got no life insurance? -So you also are all beautifully sad when I die. Mommy, we can right now playing with grandma. -No! children, the glass coffin abides shut. Mommy where is the annoying neighbor remained, of which you have told me. I no longer see him ... -He's in the garden -Where to? -Satoshin so you really have to dig a little ... Mother, why die in our family people always so suddenly? ... Mommy? ... Mommy? ... Moooommyyyyyyy!
We Must Stop This Conspiracy! Have you ever noticed that when you're of a certain age,everything seems uphill from where you are? Stairs are steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become! And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader? I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me. I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection........Well,REALLY NOW ......... even mirrors are not made the way they used to be! Another thing, everyone drives so fast today! You're risking life and limb if you just happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror. Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist,hips, thighs, and bosom? The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling? I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on, but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there! All I can do is pass along this warning: Maturity is under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon "everyone" will have to suffer these awful indignities.