A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?" The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog and it said "Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes." "So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, "You now have 3 wishes." "I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger." She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, "What will be your second wish?" I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." "She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We then made love for hours! Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?" "I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"...POOF!
A guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two genies appear and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the genies disappear. The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills. Then, there is a knock at the door. He answers the door and standing there are the two genies. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead. As the genies walk off, one genie says to the other one "Hey, I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But to be well hung is beyond me!"
[h=1]Aussie Logic[/h] [h=4]A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a Chinese Businessman, and an Aussie Bricklayer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.[/h] The Aussie fumed, 'What's with those bastards? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!' The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I'm losing my patience!' The Chinese Businessman called out, 'Move it. Time is money!' The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.' 'Hello, George,' said the Catholic Priest. 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?' George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year. We are forever grateful. We always let them play for free anytime.' The group fell silent for a moment. The Catholic Priest was the first to speak, and said, 'That's so sad. God forgive us. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.' The Indian Doctor said, 'Vishnu, I repent. Good idea priest. I will also contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.' The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I'm writing a cheque at this very moment. $50,000 to these brave souls.' The Aussie Bricklayer said, 'Why can't the bastards play at night?'
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed! (A} Almost Boobs... {B} Barely there. {C} Can't Complain! {D} Dang! {DD} Double dang! {E} Enormous! {F} Fake {G} Get a Reduction.. {H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !
The drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated: "Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. First, the good news Private Peters will be setting the pace on our morning run. With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Peters was overweight and terribly slow... ...but then the drill sergeant finished his statement: "Now for the bad news. Private Peters will be driving a truck".
A lady is shopping in a supermarket when she notices this handsome muscular boy doing the bagging at one of the checkouts. Making sure she goes through his line she leans over and asks if he'll carry her groceries out to which he responds, "Sure lady." They no sooner get out of the store and she again leans over and whispers, "You know, I have an Itchy Pussy." He responds, "You'll have to point it out to me lady, all those Japanese cars look alike!!
The first rule of the company is that each evening a service technician has to phone the household and confirm the following days appointments. One evening a call was made and a man answered the phone. The technician said, "Hi, this is Henry from Acme Pest Control we have an appointment scheduled for tomorrow." There was a long silence and then my husband heard the man on the other end say, "Honey, it's for you....someone wants to talk to you about your relatives."
Sam was out shopping in the mall when he meets his friend Abe outside the jewelers. Sam notices that Abe has a small gift-wrapped box in his hand. "So what have you just purchased Abe" Sam asks? "Well, now that you've asked," replies Abe, "it's my Sharon's birthday tomorrow and when I asked her this morning what she wanted for her birthday she said, 'Oh, I don't know, dear, just give me something with a lot of diamonds in it'". "So what did you get her" Sam asks? Abe replies, smiling, "I bought her a deck of cards".
A Pom, fresh off the plane at Sydney airport, is trying to negotiate Australian customs. Finally, when it's his turn to get his passport stamped, the customs officer starts rattling off the usual questions: C.O. - How long do you intend to stay? POM - 1 week. C.O. - What is the nature of this trip? POM - Business. C.O. - Do you have any past criminal convictions? POM - I didn't think we still needed to!
soooo fuuuuuunnnnnnny!!!! Good Ole Jonny, always comes through!!! (here i'll put in one Little Jonny Joke).....new thread or topic
At a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her husband: "That's not true I do so enjoy sex!" Then, turning to the counselor, she explained: "But this animal expects it four or five times a year!"
After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped in his New York neighborhood barbershop to say hello to his friends. Giovanni said, "Hey, Luigi, How was a da treep?" Luigi said, "Everything was-a perfect except for da train a ride down." What'a you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni. "Well, we boarda da train at Grand Centrala Station. My beautiful Virginia had packed a biga basket a food with Vino and cigars for a me, and a we were looking a "forward to da trip. All was OK until we gotta hungry and opened up a da luncha basket. "The conductor came by, wagged his a finger at us and a say, 'No eat in dese'a car. Must'a use a dining car.' "So, me and my beautiful'a Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a biga lunch and begin to open da bottle of Vino! "Conductor walk by me again, wag his a finger and say, 'No drink'a in dese'a car. Must'a use'a club'a car'. So we go to club'a car. "While'a drinking vino, I start to light'a my big'a cigar. The conductor, he wag'a his finger agin and say, 'No smoke'a in dese'a car. Must'a go to da smoker car.' So we go to da smoker car and I smoke'a my cigar. "Later, my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to da sleeper car and a go to bed. We just about to have'a sex and the conductor, he walk'a through da car corridor shouting at top of his voice, 'NO'FOLK'A, VIRGINIA! NO'FOLK'A VIRGINIA!"