Dear Mum & Dad, I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack -nothin'!! Blokes haz gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing! At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez, its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!! This one will kill me Brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and its not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - its a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges - they comes in little boxes and ya don’t have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload! Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster. Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders, and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer. I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is. Your loving daughter, Jill
A man walked into a restaurant and seated himself. Soon, the waitress came over to take his order. "...and to drink" she asked? The man said he would like coffee. The waitress promptly returned with a cup of coffee, but spilled it on the man's lap when she stopped at the table. "Oh my G~d; I am so sorry"! "That's OK", the man said, sopping up the puddle on his pants with his a napkin - "but tell me, was this regular or decaf"? "Regular" she replied. "Oh great, now this thing is going to be up all night"!
Murphy the Roofer was working when suddenly he started shaking and feeling dizzy. He calls down to Paddy the Hod-Carrier and says "I think I must go home, I've just come over all giddy and feel sick". Paddy shouts up to Murphy on the roof "Have you got vertigo"? Murphy replies, "No I only live round the corner".
Pope & Obama After their meeting at the United Nations they attended a baseball game. Neither intended missing an opportunity to speak to the enormous crowd so each decided to say a few words before the start of the game. The Pope and Obama were not exactly getting along well and while on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of the enormous crowd, the Pope leans towards Mr. Obama and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice"! Obama replied, "I seriously doubt that! With just one little wave of your hand....Show me"! So the Pope backhanded Obama and knocked him completely off the stage! The crowd roared and cheered wildly and there was much rejoicing and happiness throughout the land!
My Girlfriend just left! All she left was a note on the 'fridge: "It's not working, I can't take it anymore! Gone to stay at my Mother's"! I opened the 'fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold. I have no idea what in the hell she was talking about............the fridge works fine. WOMEN, who can understand them?
Poems by a wife & Husband WIFE: I wrote your name on sand it got washed. I wrote your name in air, it was blown away. Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack. HUSBAND: God saw me hungry, he created pizza. He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi. He saw me in the dark, he created light. He saw me without problems, he created YOU. WIFE: Twinkle twinkle little star You should know what you are And once you know what you are Mental hospital is not so far HUSBAND: The rain makes all things beautiful. The grass and flowers too. If rain makes all things beautiful Why doesn't it rain on you? WIFE: Roses are red; Violets are blue Monkeys like u should be kept in a zoo. Don't feel so angry you will find me there too Not in cage but outside, laughing at you AND THE ADVENTURE CONTINUES........ Position of a Husband Is just like a Split AC No matter however Loud he is in the Outdoor He is designed to remain Silent indoor... ..................................................................... "Husband is one who is the head of the family, but his wife is the neck, and whichever way she turns, he goes." ........................................................................ A man in Hell asked Devil: Can I make a call to my Wife? After making call he asked how much to pay. Devil : Nothing, Hell to Hell is Free. ................................................................ Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means, Without Information, Fighting Everytime! Wife: No darling, it means - With Idiot For Ever ........................................................................... Wife: I wish I was a newspaper, So I'd be in your hands all day. Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper, So I could have a new one every day. ................................................................. * Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping Pills. Wife: When must I give them to him? Doctor: They are for you ................................................................... Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are.. Husband: You should have known it the minute I asked you to marry me. .................................................................... Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest ? Husband: A lovely Push... and life goes on........ Every Wife is a "Mistress" for her Husband. "Miss" for one hour & "Stress" for the rest 23 hours! My Husband And I Divorced Over Religious Differences. He Thought He Was God, and I Didn't. Husband Throwing Darts at His Wife's Photo and Not Even a Single One Hitting the Target... From Another Room Wife Called The Husband: Honey What Are You Doing... Husband: "MISSING YOU"... THOUGHT FOR THE DAY... Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to and touched often. But push the wrong button and you're disconnected....... Difference Between Complete & Finish... People say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISH. But there is... When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE.... And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED..... And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ... COMPLETELY FINISHED! Last but not least... A wife, being the romantic sort sent her husband a text: If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you! The husband, typically non-romantic, replied; "I am sitting on the toilet. Please advise".
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, 'Business trip or pleasure'? She turned, smiled and said, 'Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston'. He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your business role at this convention?' 'Lecturer,' she responded. 'I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality'. 'Really?' he said. 'And what kind of myths are there'? 'Well', she explained, 'one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait'. 'Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best'. 'I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck'. Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she said, 'I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name'. 'Tonto', the man said, 'Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba'.
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by", one complained. "These fairways seem to be getting longer too", said one of the others. "The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too", said the third senior. After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said... "Quit your bitching and just be thankful we're still on the RIGHT SIDE of the grass"!
A slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great but as yet unnamed athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece. In those days, believe it or not, the athletes performed naked. To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events. At the opening ceremonial parade Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed: "OH!! Limp Pricks!" Over the next two and a half millennia that morphed into "Olympics."
I got stuck in the snow on the way home the other night and had to sleep in the car. It was no fun, let me tell you - I was hungry, lonely and f*cking freezing. I barely slept a wink. In the morning the snow had melted a bit and I was able to continue on my way. Having had such a s**t night, I decided to go round to my girlfriend's house. When I got there I parked outside, looked up and saw her at her bedroom window. She looked so happy to see me. Suddenly I was overcome with emotion because I was so pleased to see her too. We've been together for three years so far and had some wonderful times. I know it may sound soppy and over-the-top but, at that moment in time, there was no-one else on Earth that I wanted to be with. She was the one. I got out of the car and made my way towards her front door. The front lawn was a blanket of untouched snow and, with my girlfriend still watching me, an idea crossed my mind. Giddy with emotion, I stepped onto the lawn, got down on one knee and began to carve a message in the snow, letter by letter... HANNAH, WILL YOU MA... I looked up and could see her starting to breathe heavily, trying to smile as her eyes welled up with tears... ... KE ME A CUP OF COFFEE AND A SANDWICH? That was 4 days ago, and the bitch still isn't speaking to me!!!
A story is told of a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading an Arab newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper"? Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper... now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better"!
St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand"? "Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do"? "Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven". "Sounds easy enough. OK". So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. He peered at the old man and asked, "What was it you did for a living"? The old man replied, "I was a carpenter". Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family" he asked? "Yes, I had a son, but I lost him". Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son, can you tell me about him"? "Well, he had holes in his hands and feet". Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father"? The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio"?
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.” The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.” The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. “Where are you?” the man asked. “Who are you?” “I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered. “Oh yeah?” the man asked… “And where were you when I got married?”
As a mother was bribing her little boy with a quarter so he would behave, she said, "Why do I always have to pay you to be good; why can't you be good for nothing like your father?"