A priest, a pastor, and a rabbi are walking down the street on a hot day and are quite thirsty. They pass a busy bar and want to go in and get a drink but have no money. But the priest comes up with an idea that he thinks might work, so he goes in alone, telling to others that if his idea works they can all get free drinks. He orders his drink, and when he's finished with it, the bartender gives him his tab. The priest says, "But son,... I already paid for the drink!" The bartender says, "I'm terribly sorry father but it's really busy in here and I must have forgotten." The priest goes out and tells the pastor and the rabbi what happened, so the pastor goes in next. The pastor orders his drink and then informs the bartender that he already had paid when the bartender asks him for the money. Again the bartender apologizes. Finally the rabbi goes in and orders his drink. Again the bartender gives him the tab and the rabbi tells him, "Son, I paid you when I ordered the drink." "I'm terribly sorry rabbi," says the bartender, "I don't know what's wrong with me, but your the third man of the cloth that I've done this to." "I'm sorry son," says the rabbi, "but I'm in a terrible hurry,... Just give me my change for the $20 I gave you, and I'll be on my way!"
Paddy and Shamus are walking past a pub when Shamus mutters. "sheite it's fookin hot. I'd love to have a pint right about now." Paddy says. "But we don't really have enough for a pint to split betweenus." (Not a typo...) Shamus says "I have an idea." So He goes to the butcher and buys a sausage. He comes back over by paddy, and with a smile and eyes gleaming, he says. "Here's what we'll do. We'll go into a pub, run up a tab, and I'll dangle that sausage out of my zipper and you make believe you're suckin' me off." "That'll get us thrown outta' the pub, and we won't have to pay!". 3 or 4 pubs later, Paddy and Shamus are s**t-face drunk. Paddy says "Hey how 'bout givin' me that sausage and you do the Servicin'!" Shamus says "Hell I lost that thing after the first pub."
A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him $10 and that Continues for a year. Then suddenly the daily donation changes to $5 "Well," the beggar thinks, "it's still better than nothing." A year passes in this way until the man's daily donation suddenly becomes $2 "What's going on now?" the beggar asks his donor. "First you give me $10 every day, then $5 and now only $2 What's the problem?" "Well," the man says, "last year my eldest son went to university. It's very expensive, so I had to cut costs. This year my eldest daughter also went to university, so I had to cut my expenses even further." "And how many children do you have?" the beggar asks. "Four," the man replies. "Well," says the beggar, "I hope you don't plan to educate them all at my expense."
The two old coots were both only a year short of retirement from the assembly line, but one Monday morning that didn't keep Joe from boasting to Manny about his sexual endurance. "Three times", gasped Manny admiringly. "How'd you do it"? It was easy". Joe looked down modestly. "I made love to my wife, and then I rolled over and took a ten-minute nap. When I woke up again, I made love to her again and took another ten-minute nap. And then I put it to her again. Can you believe it! I woke up this morning feeling like a bull, I'll tell you". "I gotta try it," said Manny. "Lorraine won't believe it's happening". So that night he made love to his wife, took a ten-minute nap, made love to her again, took another nap, woke up and made love to her a third time, then rolled over and fell sound asleep. He woke up feeling like a million bucks, pulled on his clothes, and ran to the factory, where he found his boss waiting outside for him. "What's up, Boss"? he asked. "I've been working for you for twenty years and never been late once. You aren't going to hold these twenty minutes against me now, are you"? "I don't care about you showing up twenty minutes late today", growled the boss, "but where were you on Tuesday and Wednesday"?
A Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much it is for an extraction. 85 pounds for an extraction sir" was the dentists reply. Och! huv ye nay got unythin cheaper", replies the Scotsman getting agitated. But that's the normal charge for an extraction sir", said the dentist. What aboot if ye didnae use uny anaesthetic?", asked the Scotsman hopefully. Well it's highly unusual sir, but if that's what you want, I suppose I can do it for 70 pounds, said the dentist. Hmmmm, what aboot if ye used one of ye dentist trainees and still wi' oot anaesthetic", said the Scotsman. Well it's possible but they are only training and I can't guarantee their level of professionalism, and it'll be a lot more painful, but I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say 40", said the dentist. Och that's still a bit much, how aboot if ye make it a training session and have yon student do the extraction and the other students watchin and learnin", said the Scotsman hopefully. Hmmmmm, well OK, it'll be good for the students I suppose, I'll charge you only 5 pounds in that case", said the dentist. "Wonderful, it's a deal" said the Scotsman ... "Can ye book me wife for next Tuesday?
Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week. Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn't quite the same without him. A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round in the break room. Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week"? The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early at 6:30 am. He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately. The woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay. She smiled and said, "Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45." She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round. The guys were impressed! Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her back the next week. She smiled and said "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45". The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round despite playing with her off-hand. By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her! In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week she was 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the best round of golf of his life to beat her.. As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part. Finally she showed up. This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, which was a good thing since she narrowly beat all three of them. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play; it was hard to keep a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out! Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability. They had a couple of beers after their round which helped the conversation loosen up. Finally one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer. He asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed"? The lady blushed and grinned. She said, "That's easy. When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth". Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude. From then on I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his "you-know-what" was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed and if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointed straight up in the air"? She said, "Then I'm fifteen minutes late".
If you're less than ten years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half." You're never 4 and a half ....You're four going on 5. You get into your teens; now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16. Eventually. Then the great day of your life: you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. You BECOME 21....Yes!! Then you turn 30. What happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. What's wrong? What changed? You BECOME 21; you TURN 30. Then you're PUSHING 40... stay over there. You REACH 50. You BECOME 21; you TURN 30; You're PUSHING 40; you REACH 50. Then you MAKE IT to 60. By then you've built up so much speed, you HIT 70. After that, it's a day by day thing. You HIT Wednesday... You get into your 80's; you HIT lunch, you HIT 4:30. My Grandmother won't even buy green bananas. "Well, it's an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one." And it doesn't end there.... Into the 90's, you start going backwards. "I was JUST 92." Then a strange thing happens; if you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half."
A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on, eat it all up or ... I'll have to give it to this nice man here". Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here". A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, "Come on, kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago"!!!
I was booked to fly to Germany to see my husband who is serving in the Army. When I checked in at the airport the ticket agent asked me the standard security questions. "Has anyone given you any packages that you didn't pack yourself"? I told him my mother-in-law had given me a parcel for her son. He looked at me very carefully and asked, "Does she like you"?
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger"! He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Frank was walking down the street one day, when he runs into his buddy Joe. Joe asks Frank how he's doing and Frank replies: "N-N-Not b-b-bad, b-b-but I've d-d-developed th-th-this s-s-stutter from a c-c-car accident I was r-r-recently involved in. N-N-Now my l-l-love life s-s-sucks, and I c-c-can't f-f-find a j-j-job". Joe tells him of this speech therapist he knows and recommends he go see the guy. Frank agrees and thanks him. A couple of weeks later, they run into each other again and Joe asks Frank how he made out. "Thank you for the referral. He cured me just by making me talk slower. Now I have a good job and I'm engaged to the boss' daughter". "That's excellent! Congratulations" replied Joe and off they went their separate ways... two weeks or so pass and once again Frank and Joe meet on the street. "Hey, Frank, how's it going" asks Joe? "T-T-T-T-Terrible," says Frank. "I'm n-n-no l-l-longer eng-g-g-aged and I l-l-l-ost my job!". "Why? What could have happened in two weeks Frank"? "W-w-w-well, the other night I was having dinner at the b-b-boss' house and the cat was scratching behind his ear. I said "L-l-l-l-ook, Honey! T-t-t-t-hat's w-w-w-w-hat you d-d-d-d-o to me," but by the time I f-f-f-finished w-w-w-hat I was saying the cat was l-l-l-icking his b-b-balls..."
A sales representative stops at a small manufacturing plant in the Midwest. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift. "No, thanks," says the plant manager. "I tried smoking a cigar once and I didn't like it." The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the manger out for martinis. "No, thanks," the plant manager replies. "I tried alcohol once, but didn't like it." Then the salesman glances out the officer window and sees a golf course. "I suppose you play golf", says the salesman. "I'd like to invite you to be a guest at my club." | | "No, thanks," the manager says. "I played golf once, but I didn't like it." Just then a young man enters the office. "Let me introduce my son, Bill," says the plant manager. "Let me guess," the salesman replies. "An only child?"