An 80-year-old man went to Hollywood to pick up a prostitute and get some action. He noticed one hooker in particular and started flirting with her. The prostitute started becoming annoyed and said, "Get lost old man! You're ruining business"! "Sure would like to get some action tonight", said the old man "You've got to be kidding! You're too old! You're all finished". "What did you say"? asked the old man. "You heard me - you're all finished". "Oh," replied the old man, "how much do I owe you"?
An old Jewish couple were in temple, when the man turns to the woman and says: "I just farted but I don't think anyone heard me. What should I do?" She says :"CHECK YOUR HEARING AID BATTERY!"
It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming. "Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window"! The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room. "Where is he" she asked? "He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel. The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up"? "The dresser" screamed the old lady! "Try standing on the dresser"!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer. Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitch hiking. As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a Ute on a warm day was always a special treat. We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle. Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds, KFC, Subway or Red Rooster. Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death! We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this. We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy fruit tingles and some crackers to blow up frogs with. We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because...... WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!! We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and cubby houses and played in creek beds with matchbox cars. We did not have PlayStations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them! We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no Lawsuits from these accidents. Only girls had pierced ears! We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross buns at Easter time.......no really! We were given BB guns and sling shots for our 10th birthdays, We drank milk laced with Strontium 90 from cows that had eaten grass covered in nuclear fallout from the atomic testing at Maralinga (AUSSIE) in 1956. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them! Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet! Footy had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Our teachers used to belt us with big sticks and leather staps and bully's always ruled the playground at school. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! Our parents got married before they had children and didn't invent stupid names for their kids like "Kiora" and "Blade" This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! The past 70 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL! And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS! You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good. And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were. Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!
An American businessman goes to Tokyo on a business trip. As a courtesy, the Japanese company sends him an "escort" to make him feel at home. So, He's having passionate sex with the Japanese woman, who'se screaming 'MACHIGATTA ANA! MACHIGATTA ANA! ' So, He's feeling like a stud. The next day, He gets invited to play golf with the Japanese businessmen. He sinks a hole-in-one, and gets so excited that He yells out 'MACHIGATTA ANA'. One of the businessmen looks at him and says "What do you mean.. 'wrong hole'?
Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the Chemist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." I Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the Chemist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the Chemist told him, "Now, just a minute. Listen to my side of it... This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels-the phone is still ringing. When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife... ...she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer!
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are walking down the street smoking cigarettes. The blonde smokes Camels, the brunette smokes Marlboros, and the redhead smokes Kools. Suddenly it begins pouring rain, so the brunette and the redhead take condoms out their purses, put out the cigarettes they're smoking, and place them in the condoms. The blonde asks why they're doing that, and they reply that they're keeping their cigarettes dry and saving them for later. The blonde thinks it's a great idea, so she stops at the drug store and asks to buy a package of condoms. The pharmacist asks "What size do you want? Small, medium, or large?" The blonde replies "I don't know, whatever fits a Camel".
An Englishman and a Scot were walking down a country lane in the early evening when they came across a small sheep that had tried to squeeze under a fence and had gotten it's head stuck. No matter how the animal struggled it could not free itself. The Englishman pokes his companion in the ribs and asks "Don't you wish it was Kate Winslet with her head stuck under the fence and her ass high in the air like that?" The Scot replies "Hell man! I only wish I was by meeself and it was joost a wee bit darker oot!"
Two guys driving through Texas get pulled over by a state trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the driver's window, the driver rolls it down, and the trooper smacks the driver in the head with his night stick. "Ow!" says the driver. "Why'd you do that?" The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready." The driver says, "I'm sorry, officer; I'm not from around here." The trooper writes the guy a ticket and gives his license back, then walks around to the car's passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls the window down, and the trooper smacks him with his night stick. "Ow!" says the passenger. "What'd you do that for?" The trooper says, "Just making your wish come true." "What the hell does that mean?" asks the guy. "Two miles down the road, you were gonna say, "I wish that lousy asshole would've tried that s**t with me!"
1. I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear. 2. You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice 3. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off 4. My teacher accused me of plagiarism. His words, not mine. 5. What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? About half way. 6. A man in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.. 7. I, for one, like Roman numerals. 8. Why does a chicken coop have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan. 9. Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing. 10. There is no “i” in denial 11. I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay. 12. You’re not completely useless, you can always serve as a bad example. 13. What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle? Attire. 14. You can never lose a homing pigeon – if your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, what you’ve lost is a pigeon. 15. How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for the fresh prints. 16. I didn’t believe my dad was a construction site thief until I got home. All the signs were there. 17. And The Lord said come forth and receive eternal life. But john came fifth and won a toaster. 18. I have a stepladder, because my real ladder left when I was a kid. 19. Why are deer nuts better than beer nuts? Beer nuts cost $1.50 but deer nuts are under a buck. 20. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Neither, the rooster did