When little Johnny was in the fifth grade he looked downcast, so her teacher asked, "What's the problem, Johnny, I hope it's not homework again"? "Well, uh, yes it is", replied Johnny. "I was stupid and made my homework paper into a paper airplane". "Johnny, you're right that wasn't a very bright thing to do", said the teacher, "but this once I'll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in". "Oh, but that won't work", said Johnny, looking even sadder. "You see, the plane was hijacked".
An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 yen and walked out with $72. The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money than he had got the previous week. The lady answered, "Fluctuations" The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, he turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans too!"
An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches. Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, 'How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure'? 'The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, 'How is our little experiment coming along'? 'Well, it looks like we're about half way there', he replied. 'Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches'? 'No, it's turned black'.
"Look at me!" moaned Jack to his friend Phil as they walked down the street, "I'm a walking economy"! "How so "?, asked Phil "Well, it's like this" replied Jack, "my hairline is receding, my stomach is suffering from the effects of inflation and the two things together are causing me a deep depression".
I Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple of nice cold beers. The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics. Finally I pondered about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the Nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another baby". On the other hand, you'll never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I'd like another kick in the nuts". I rest my case.
The English hobo had been hopping on trains for three days. Arrived at this quaint village and decided to stop for a bite. Stopped in front of "GEORGE AND THE DRAGON", a pub that had just closed for the afternoon. He knocked at the door and a barmaid opened. "Luv, I've been on the road, have no money and haven't eaten for three days. Could you spare...." "You useless bum!! GET LOST" and slammed the door in the hobo's face. Undaunted, he knocks again and before the barmaid could say anything.. "I'd like a word with George, please".
Chuck was always shy with girls. One evening, he got his best friend, Bob, to go with him to a singles bar. Bob, being very experienced, was supposed to help Chuck in his quest for female companionship, and sexual companionship. One sweet young thing in the room noticed Chuck, thought he was cute, and decided to make contact with him. Since she was a little shy, she could not just go up to him, but had to use gestures. "Bob," Chuck said. "That girl over there is giving me the eye. What should I do?" "Give her the eye back," replied Bob. So Chuck, as best as he could, gave her the eye. A few moments passed. "Bob," said Chuck, now getting rather excited. "She's smiling at me. What do I do?" "Smile back," was the reply. So Chuck, trying to appear cool and calm, smiled back. A few more moments passed. "Bob!" exclaimed Chuck. "She bent over and showed me her tits. Now what do I do?" "Show her your nuts," Bob calmly replied. So Chuck turned toward the girl, stuck his thumbs in his ears, and waving his fingers stuck out his tongue, and wiggling it, exclaimed, "Bluble, bluble, bluble!"
An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. He then pulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter. As he's drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who has had a few too many drinks says, "Hey Paddy!, what's that little green thing you've got down there?" The little green man runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a raspberry, "SPLBLBLBLT!," right in the face and then runs back to the Irishman. The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman, "Hey Paddy!, what is that thing, anyway?" The Irishman replies, "Have some respect. He's a leprechaun." "A leprechaun!" says the Englishman laughing, "Boy, I never knew leprechauns were so ugly!" The leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a raspberry again- SPLBLBLBLBT! This time the Englishman is really mad! "Tell that leprechaun that if he does that again I'll cut his pecker off!" he shouts. "You can't do that" says the Irishman. "Leprechauns don't have peckers." "How do they pee, then?" asks the Englishman. "They don't," says the Irishman. "They go SPLBLBLBLBT!"
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said: "Come on guys, we're almost there"!
There was a city boy who had just moved into the country. He went walking around to check out his surroundings and found a farmer selling chickens. The city boy went over to the farmer to see how much he was selling them for. The farmer asked him if he wanted a male or a female. The city boy asked for both. So the farmer said, "Here you go, one cock and one pull-it." The city boy confused asked him what he meant. The farmer said, "A cock is a male chicken and a pull-it is a female chicken." The city boy said, "Oh," and went on his way with two chickens one under each arm. A bit further down the road he saw a donkey for sale. He went to the man who was selling it to find out how much it was. The man said, "The ass is 15 dollars." The city boy replied, "No, I want the donkey outside in your yard." The man just said, "That's an ass." The city boy, new to these terms, just said, "Oh." and bought the donkey. As he was leaving the man yelled out, "Wait, the ass gets a bit stubborn about going over hills, so you have to scratch him behind the ears to get him going again." So the city boy is going back home and the donkey stops dead in its tracks and he can't get it to move. He can't scratch its ear because he would have to drop one of the chickens and it would run away. So the city boy starts to fuss and yell at the donkey. While he is doing this a beautiful women walks up and asks him if he needs help. The city boy thinks, hey why don't I try to impress this beautiful women by using my new slang terms that I learned today. So the city boy turns to the woman and says, "Yeah, could you hold my cock and pull-it while I scratch my ass?"
Walking up to the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so ticked off!" "Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely. "See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her damn husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!" "Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender. "Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on. "When her husband came into the room, he said, 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And the lazy son of a bitch urinated out the window right onto my head." "Yuck!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood." "Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out the window. And where does it land? On my damn forehead!" "Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender. "Oh, I'm not finished. What really ticked me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his butt out the window and let loose right on my head!" The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day." "Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY ticked me off? When I looked down, I noticed that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"
While examining his lady patient, the doctor tells her: "Your eyes sight, hearing, heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all sorts of trouble". The lady started taking off her clothes. Doctor, quickly stopped her and said: "No! No! Just show me your tongue".
There was this world famous painter. In the prime of her career, she started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office. During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall"? To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself 'Thank God I'm not a proctologist'".