- Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public, I feel like a kid on Christmas morning that just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do! - Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem ... - You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day. - Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection. - There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far. - I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to. - "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever. - I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste. - I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes. - Why is a school zone 25 km/h? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for paedophiles... - As a driver I hate pedestrians and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists. - Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. - Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time... - I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit. - The other night I ordered take away and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic cutlery. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.
Couldn't find his way through a maze even if the rats helped him. Couldn't hit sand if he fell off a camel. Couldn't hit the broad side of a barn if he were standing inside. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. Couldn't think/pee his way out of a paper bag. Couldn't write dialog for a porno flick. CPU is always in powersave mode. CPU not connected to the bus. Cranial cavity filled with neutron matter. (Really dense.) Cranial-rectally inverted. Cunning as a dodo bird. Cursor's flashing but there's no response. Dealing with him is less fun than going to the dentist. Dealing with him is one angst worse than a blind date. Deep as her dimples / reflection in a mirror.
A man answers the 'phone and has the following conversation: "Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Nancy has been most difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is". "Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her". "You were perfectly right. You want to speak with her? All right". He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room, "Nancy, your mother wants to talk to you"!
"This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm going to tell you about both". "The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north". "What are the advantages" inquired the prospective buyer? "The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing".
The doorbell rings at the local brothel. The madam opens the door and sees a man lying on the doorstep, without arms or legs. She says to Him "What do you want?" He says to the Madam "What do ya' think I want ?!?" She says "In your condition, what could you possibly do?" He says "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages. She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're thirty-two. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're twenty-six. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're twenty-four . " "Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins EVERY time?" The woman answered, " Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nothin."
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife decided to go to counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade, listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on she went…neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk, and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down, as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?” “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf.”
At a Bar-Mitzvah, the rabbi stacked a bunch of apples on one end of a table with a sign saying, "Take only one apple please - God is watching." On the other end of the table was a pile of cookies which a friend of the bar-mitzvah boy had placed a sign on saying, "Take all the cookies you want - God is watching the apples."
An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?" Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason. Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'" Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?" Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?" Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge..." "I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time." "Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes………?
2 old men are walking down the street and talking: old man#1: long time no see..how's everything going? how's your health? old man#2: ehh not good at all. i can't sleep good. my bones hurt. and can't even eat well. how about you? old man #1: i feel like a baby. i lost all my teeth, have no hair, and last night i pooped in my diapers!
HI Spoiler One day while walking down the street a highly successful HumanResources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable." The Devil looked at her smiled and told... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an Employee WIKI
Billy Connolly's 14 hates * People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is? * People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually. * When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it? * When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do People do this? Who and where are they? * When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f*cking floor. * People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine? billy connolly * When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it. * When people say "life is short". What the f*ck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's longer? * When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here,Kn*bhead? * People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots? * When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate. * People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need. * McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you f*cking McTosser.
Number 10 Life is sexually transmitted. Number 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Number 8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich . Number 7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. Number 6 Some people are like a Slinky ... Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs. Number 5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing. Number 4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to Criticism. Number 3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00? Number 2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. And The Number 1 Thought For 2010 "Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers; What you do today, might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow"