'Y'know,' said the Scotsman, 'I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth drink for you.' 'Well,' said the Englishman, 'At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two!' 'Ahhh, that's nothing,' said the Irishman. 'Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like.. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house.' The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims, but he swears every word is true. 'Well,' said the Englishman, 'Did this actually happen to you?' 'Not me meself, personally, no,' said the Irishman, 'But it did happen to me sister.'
Lisa was called to serve for jury duty but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course. But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and quiet calm and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury. "Madam", he explained, "this is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. "A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday". "Well, okay", agreed Lisa, "I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all".
Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it? Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or shortened to "pluck yew"). Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew"! Since "pluck yew" is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative "F", and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird". It is still considered an appropriate salye to the French today! And "yew" thought "yew" knew every "plucking" thing.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back. I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you are reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said "I would like to come back as a cow." I said "you're obviously not f--k--g listening." Wife says to her husband "you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back." He says "what do you expect? You’re in a wheelchair." What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One’s a superhero and the other is an instruction. Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." "f*ck that" says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind" My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
An old guy (not able to get in the best of shape from tennis) started working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing. He asked the trainer who's nearby: "What machine in here should I use to make this body look attractive to someone like that sweet young thing over there?" The trainer looked him up & down & said: "I'd try the ATM in the lobby."
Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?' 'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?' 'I am a Chelsea fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Chelsea fan?' 'Because my mum is a Chelsea fan, and my dad is a Chelsea fan, so I'm a Chelsea fan too!' 'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Chelsea fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time... What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?' 'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.
@Mavericks_Choice: Your jokes are the best! Keep 'em coming. @WIKIMACK: Please see my reply to your 'amazing' post.