Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: 'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow toToronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and.....OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed! Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom. 'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!' One Aussie passenger yelled... 'For f..k's sake you should see the back of mine!!!'
The Looters Prayer Our Father, Who art in prison. Mum don't know his name. Thy riots come, it was in the Sun, In Brum, as it is in London. Give us this day our Giro cheque, and forgive us our looting, as we forgive those who defend stuff against us. Lead us not into employment, but deliver us free housing. For I,ve got the Reebok, the burberry and bacardi. Forever and ever. Innit.
Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Alicante,Southern Spain . Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally found my new home. I love it here! July Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun-worshipper – no blasted drizzly rain like back in Leeds!! July Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants t oday. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me! Another scorcher today, but I love it here. It’s Paradise! July The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do these people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy though. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatizing is taking longer than we expected! August Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got second degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed three days off work. What a dumb thing to do.. Got to respect the old sun in a climate like this! August 15th Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat-****. I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat! August 25th This wind is a *******. It feels like a giant f****** blow-dryer, and it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged 200 euros just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from f****** Madrid .....The wife and kids are complaining all the time August 26th The temperature's up around 40 C and the parts still haven't arrived for the f****** air conditioner. House is like an oven so we’ve all been sleeping outside by the pool for the last 3 nights. Bloody 600,000 euros house and we can't even go inside...... Why the hell did I ever come here? AUGUST 27TH Finally got the f****** air-conditioner fixed. It cost 1,500 EUROS and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 35!....Stupid repairman!.... F****** thief!! AUGUST 29TH If one more smart ******* says 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to f****** throttle him!..... F****** heat! By the time I get to work, the car radiator is boiling, my f****** clothes are soaking f****** wet and I smell like baked cat!..... this f****** place is the end of the Earth!! AUGUST 30TH Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in my car..... I thought my f****** **** was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and off my f****** ****. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried **** and baked cat!.... F***, F***, F***!!! AUGUST 31ST The Weather Report might as well be a f****** recording! Hot and sunny!... Hot and sunny!.... Hot and f****** sunny!... It never f****** changes! It's been too hot to do anything for 2 f****** months and the weather-man says it might really warm up next week!.... f***!!!! SEPTEMBER 2ND Doesn't it ever rain in this damn f****** place? Water restrictions will be next, so my 5,000 EUROS worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the f****** pool. The only things that thrive in this f****** hell-hole are the f****** flies!... You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the little black *******s!!! SEPTEMBER 3RD Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 f****** degrees today. Now the air-conditioners packed up in the car. The repair man came to fix it and asked, 'Hot enough for you today?'.... I wanted to shove the f****** air-conditioner up his f****** ****!... Anyway, I had to spend the 2,500 EUROS mortgage payment to bail myself out of jail for assaulting the stupid prick!!.....f****** Alicante! What kind of sick, demented f****** idiot would want to live here SEPTEMBER 4TH - WHAT!!!! The Weatherman says "Heatwave on the way!" You are f****** kidding me
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives. Some doctor on tv this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished so I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun scriptins, the res of the chesescke an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now. Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr pisss. An telum,u blody luvum.!! Xxx
OLD' IS WHEN.... Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!' 'OLD' IS WHEN... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. 'OLD' IS WHEN... A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door. 'OLD' IS WHEN... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. 'OLD' IS WHEN... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. 'OLD' IS WHEN... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police 'OLD' IS WHEN... 'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fibre today. 'OLD' IS WHEN... 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot. 'OLD'IS WHEN... An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom. AND 'OLD' IS WHEN.... You are not sure these are jokes!
To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity 1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down. 2. On all your cheque stubs, write ' For Marijuana' 3. Skip down the street Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get. 4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat,with a serious face. 5. Sing Along At The Opera. 6. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!' 7. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Car Park, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!' 8. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.' And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity 9. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
Not sure if this has been posted before but here goes... Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an e*ection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." "That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an e*ection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "IT" to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show". "Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?" asked Jeff. "I kicked her in the face."
I know people who have done stuff like this. @mxman2k: No worries. -and- Q: What's the greatest thing about having Alzheimers disease? A: You get to make new friends every day.