A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!" So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!" Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."
In the Garden of Eden, As everyone knows, Lives Adam and Eve, Without any clothes. In this garden, Were two little leaves, One covered Adam's, One covered Eve's. As the story goes on, Never the less to say, The wind came along, And blew the leaves away. At the sight, Adam did stare, There was Eve's treasure, All covered with hair. And wonder came, Under Eve's eyes, As Adam's thing, Started to rise. They found a spot, That suited them best, A nice big tree, Where they began to rest. Her legs spread wider, And wider apart, While thrill after thrill, Came into her heart. The head of Adam's thing, Peeked into the hole, And filled her with passion, Beyond her control. Backward and forward, His thing did slide, And Eve's treasure, Was all wet inside. The joy was good, She wouldn't let loose, Until Adam's thing, Was all out of juice. Then down through the years, People did screw, And now it is time, For me and you. So pull down your pants, And lay in the grass, Cause I'm in the mood, For a piece of that ass!
A husband desperate to keep his hot wife happy offers to buy is wife a new car. She cutely declines his offer by saying, "That's not quite what I had in mind." Frantically he offers her a new house. Again she rejects his offer, "That's not quite what I had in mind." Curious, he asks: "What did you have in mind?" She retorts, "I'd like a divorce." He answers, "I hadn't planned on spending quite that much."
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said "someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job. Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies. Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports. Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people. Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary. Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman.
I phoned the police the other day. "what's your emergency?" they asked. I said "I've got two women fighting over me". "well ok" she paused - "what's the problem?" "the fat one's winning".
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace... Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt..
Dear Phil I left home for work last week and after less than a mile my car stalled and wouldn't start. I walked back to my house and found my husband in bed with our 19 year old babysitter. They announced that the affair had been going on for two years. Can you help me.I'm desperate. Dear Reader The most common cause of vehicles breaking down in the first mile is dirt in the fuel lines. Hope this helps. Phil .
During mideval times, A duke and his two daughters were travelling along in a carriage when they were assaulted by bandits. The bandits made off with everything and left them standing on the road. One of his daughters reaches under her dress and pulls out a little cloth sack and gives it to her father. She says "Father, I saved the family jewels!" The father says "Great! If only I had brought your mother along, we might have been able to save the carriage." (Bada-Bump)
The Five Rules For Men To Follow To A Happy Life: 1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job. 2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh. 3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you. 4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you. 5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a massive failure because of the following: 1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. 2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. 3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. 4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. 5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant 6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant 7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant. 8. In the UK they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent........
After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a rusty old car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23 year old girl. Now ... I have a $1,500,000 home, a $50,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 63 year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things." My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23 year old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a rusty old car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10 inch black and white TV.