An Arab enters a taxi.......... Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion and, in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music which is music of the infidel's and certainly no radio ........ So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, stops the cab and opens the back door. The Arab asks him: "What are you doing?" The cabby answers: "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis. So get out and wait for a f??king camel."
Man in bar orders Champagne. Lady next to him says "What a Coincidence. I've ordered Champagne too!" "I'm celebrating" ... "Me too what a coincidence!" "What are you celebrating?" "Hubby and I have tried for years for a baby, today I'm pregnant!" "What a coincidence. I'm a Farmer, for years my hens were infertile, today all laid Eggs!" "Wow! How did that happen?" "I used a different ****." The lady smiled, clinked her glass and said "What a coincidence..." ... He heh !!!
Jan, Sue, and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving School. They rediscover each other via Friends Reunited, and arrange to meet for lunch. Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number. After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine. Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine. Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of London’s leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq. ft. apartment on Park Lane, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Portugal. Sue relates that she graduated from Cambridge University, studied to become a doctor and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial investment banker in the City. They live in the Surrey stockbroker belt and have a second home in Italy. Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Mark. They run a tropical bird park in Essex and grow their own vegetables. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect penis. Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Tesco’s. They live in a small apartment in Bromley and have a caravan parked on the front drive. Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nursing care assistants in an old people’s home. They live in Peckham and take camping holidays in Kent. Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
Paddy & his wife were discussing their sex life. "I want to try that wheelbarrow position tonight" he said. "What the hell is that?" asked his wife. "You bend over, hands on the floor. I pick your legs up and **** you from behind" said Paddy. She says, "I'll do it on 2 conditions: 1/ If it hurts you stop straight away, and 2/ You make sure we don't go past my mums house."
A Chinese, an Italian and a Yorkshireman meet in a bar; all moaned about their wives and decided to start showing who is the boss. A month later they meet up again. The Chinese said, “I told my wife, the kitchen needs decorating, the grass needs cutting and my shirts need ironing. After three days, I saw the kitchen looked like new; the lawn was tidy and my shirts were pristine”. The Italian said, “I told my wife my golf clubs need cleaning; the carpets need vacuuming and the shopping needs doing. After three days, I saw a stock of fruit, vegetables and lots of things to eat; my golf clubs looked like new and the carpets looked colourful once again”. The Yorkshireman said, “I told the wife the grass needs cutting; my shirts need washing and ironing and that the car needs a good clean. After three days, once the swelling had gone down …..”
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies." So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. A s he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want 5 loaves." She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard." He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this **** but me."
Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.” “That’s odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!” A nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations! You’re the father of triplets!” “That’s weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!” A nurse tells the third man, “Congratulations! You’re the father of quadruplets!” “That’s strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!” The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What’s wrong?” the others ask. “I work for 7 Up!”
A woman and a man meet at a Dating Agency. The man sits down and says, “I’ve only got three questions.” “OK,” replies the woman. “Do you like to clean?” he asks. “I love cleaning” she replies. “Great. Do you like to cook for other people?” “I love to cook” she says. “Fantastic,” says the man. “OK, last question. Do you like sex?” “I like it infrequently,” she replies. The man thinks then asks, “Is that one word or two?”
Irish vs The French! The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings. 'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!' 'Well Paddy, Sarkozy replied. How big is your army?' 'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!' Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.' 'Begorra!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.' Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!' 'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks. 'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.' Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.' 'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.' Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!' Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200, 000!' 'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.' Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.' 'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?' 'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no f****n' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.
A little old Jewish woman goes into a butcher and asks for a Long Island duck. The butcher gives her the duck. She promptly sticks her finger in the dead ducks butt and smells it. She says "That's not a Long Island duck, it's a Muskovy duck." So the butcher gets here another duck. She repeats the process and says, "That's not a Long Island duck, it's a Ringed teal duck." Finally, he gives her a duck, she repeats her test, and says "Now that's a Long Island duck!". She says to the butcher "So where are you from?" The butcher drops his pants and bends over and says "I dunno lady...You tell me." <bada-Bump!>
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to ...10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and put it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the Postman was lying dead on their porch.