On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in Glasgow were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snow plows can get through". So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed. A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through". The good wife went out and moved her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park......." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?" Then, with all the love and understanding in his voice that all Scotsmen who are married to blondes always exhibit, the husband replied "Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time?"
There was the question of what is more painful. A woman giving birth, or a man getting a good kick in the nuts. Georg Carlin answered, that just give a woman a years time and she will say "Lets have another one!". No man will ever say that....
Three morons from Brooklyn won the lottery. (It's not racist, I know many morons in Brooklyn. ) So they decided to rent a lear jet with all of the amenities, and fly to Las Vegas. The rented a charter jet with the three of the most gorgeous stewardesses you have ever seen. Midflight, the plane developed engine trouble. The pilot comes out and hands each of the morons a parachute. He says "The plane is going to crash". One of the morons says: "What about the stewardesses?" The pilot says "F**k 'em". One of the other morons says "Do we have the time?"
A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on him on a down slope. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf. One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide and end it all. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all. He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with." He thought, "There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life." He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms. The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again. He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?" He said, "I'm NOT happy. My balls itch."
An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems.... 'Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot'. So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. 'Incredible'he says, 'there is a £20 note lodged up here.' Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 pound note appears. • 'This is amazing!'exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?' 'Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! 'shrieks the patient. The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc..... Finally the last note comes out and no more appear. 'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?' The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '£1,990 exactly.' 'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman I knew I wasn't feeling two grand..'
I'd being seeing this nurse for a few days and we finally got around to making love.......As I stripped off I said to her "You must have seen a few Willy's where you work, how do you rate mine?" She said: "It's just slightly bigger than most I see." I said: "Thanks, what sort of nursing do you do by the way? "I'm a Midwife"" She says......................
Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day... ... The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.' Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.' Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?' Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!' Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.' A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?' Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds apiece and made a profit of £898' The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two pounds back.' Paddy now works for a major international bank!
If you are over 45 yrs old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks? 1. _ _NDOM 2. F_ _K 3. P_N_S 4. PU_S_ 5. S_X 6. BOO_S
This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day. "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!" She hears a voice over the radio saying: "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. 'Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position." She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat." "O.K." says the voice on the radio.... "Repeat after me: Our Father. . Who art in Heaven. . . ..."
Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the River. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids - I just don't get it.' 'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?' 'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc. 'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?' 'On the other side of the river near the Parliament car park in Canberra. 'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?' asked the big Croc. 'Well, I crawl up under one of their big Lexus, BMW or Mercedes cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the s**t out of them and eat 'em!' 'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the s**t out of a Politician, there's nothing much left but an arsehole with a briefcase
Al Qa'eeda to go on strike Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement. The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this April from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife. The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth". Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, an Al Qaeda chief executive explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up." Spokespersons for the union in Newcastle , Middlesbrough, Essex, Glasgow and Australia stated that they would be unaffected as there are no virgins in these areas anyway. Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been largely put down to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen on going to paradise.
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an Care Home?" "Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Attendance call on the first day back at school in Birmingham ... The teacher takes the roll call: "Mustafa El Ekh Zeri?" "Here." "Achmed El Kabul?" "Here." "Fatima Al Chadoury? " "Here." "Abdul Alu Ohlmi?" "Here." "Mohammed Ibn Achrha?" "Here." "Mi Cha El Mey Er" Silence in the classroom. "Mi Cha El Mey Er" Continued silence as everyone looked around the room. She repeated, "Is there any child here called Mi Cha El Mey Er ?" A boy puts his hand up and says, "Sorry teacher. I think that's me. It's pronounced Michael Meyer."
Girl says to boyfriend ' You make love like a decorator' He replies 'What..... slow....with smooth strokes and a professional finish?' 'No' she replies ' more like the council. You just bang it up, leave a mess, and I have to finish the job myself!'