Jokes Jokes Jokes

Yep, some funny Schitt

 

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Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

 

One day the teacher walked to the back of the room where Johnny was, and he had his hand down his pants.

The Teacher asked, "Johnny, what are you doing?"

Then, Johnny said, "It hurts down there."

"Well then, you need to go to the nurse and see if you can go home", said the teacher.

A little while later, Johnny came back to classroom and sat back down.

Then the teacher came to the back of the room again, and he had his p***s haging out of his pants.

The teacher said, "Johnny, what's that doing hanging out of your pants?!"

Then Johnny said, "My mommy said if I can stick it out until noon, she'll come and pick me up."

 

May 24, 2006
7 kinds of sex
Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say “screw you.”

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone

And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on.

 

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

'Nope', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,
'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.
Shoulda bought a hat

 

Paddy's fingers

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally
cut off all 10 of his fingers.

He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.

The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.

Paddy said,
'Oi haven't got da fingers.'

'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers?
Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2008!
We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.
I could have put dem back on and made you like new!
Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'

And Paddy said,

' How da fock was I 'spose to pick them up !!!

 

A Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher... The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,

'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk shouts, 'Yes, OI am.'


So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, OI haven't found Jesus.'

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, OI I haven't found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- But this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'



The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,

'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'

 

A distraught young blonde woman suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. In a fit of anger she drives to a local pawn shop and buys a gun.

She shows up at his apartment unexpectedly, slams opens the door, and sure enough he's naked in the arms of a beautiful redhead.

This angers her, she is furious and can no longer control her emotions. The blonde opens her purse and pulls out the .38 handgun she bought earlier. As she takes aim, grief overcomes here and she points the gun at her own head.

"No, honey, don’t do it!" yells the boyfriend.

"Shut up," she says. "You’re next."

 

A blonde walked into a store to buy curtains.
She went up to the salesman and said, "I want those pink curtains to fit my computer screen.
The salesman mentioned, "Computers don't need curtains."
The blonde said, "Hellooo…. I have windows!"

 

Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy 'Im gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!'

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!'

Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home.'

So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.

'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.

 

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a freezer to keep it in."

The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"

The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both fell out of the stupid tree and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it," he chuckles. "Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oy watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a penis!"

 

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."

So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."

The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."

Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."

 

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''

 

One day there were two boys playing by a stream when they saw a woman bathing naked. All of a sudden one of the boys took off running. The other boy took off after his friend. After he caught up to him, he asked why he ran away.

"Well," the boy said, "my mom told me that if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard so I ran."