A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed. "Breast fed," she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while, in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
A little lad hardly five years old was sad because he had to tell his Mum that he could not go to toilet number 2 and had the tummy ache Mum said - "Never mind love, go try again" He was gone a long time and she became worried and knocked on the door "May Mummy come in Love" "Sure - it is not working" she went in and there he sat - slapping himself on the head - just too hard She wanted to cry and said "please darlin' don't do that you will hurt yourself" he said............................. "Well it does work with the sauce bottle when Daddy belts it"
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales. So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.' Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.' A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another Fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.' As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.' Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all. My wife won twice last week.'
A 90-year old couple went to see a divorce lawyer. He said, "Why would you two want a divorce after 75 years of marriage?" The wife answered, "We wanted to wait till the kids were dead."
A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No", he says, "the seat is empty." "This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the year, and not use it?" He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?" The man shakes his head... "No. They're all at the funeral."
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen,'what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please' She replied, 'You're having soup you fat *******, I was talking to the cat!'
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking coppers funeral. A voice from inside screams I'm not dead let me out. The vicar leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters too late mate the paper works already done!!
Bloke sees an advert in a pet shop, 'Talking Centipede - £5000' He buys it and takes it home in a small box. After 30 minutes he opens the box and says, "Hello, do you fancy going for a pint?" The centipede doesn't answer. Raising his voice he repeats the question but still he gets no answer. Getting angry now, and thinking he'd done his money he shouts the question again! At which point the centipede sticks his head out of the box and says, "I heard you the first time ffs! I'm putting my ####in shoes on!!!
Gentlemen, I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago. Yours truly,* Patrick Finnegan* -------------------------------- Dear Mr. Finnegan, We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot. Sincerely,* Irish Railway Company* ----------------------------------- Gentlemen, I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of Numbers Chapter 22, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That.... Gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years! Yours truly,* Patrick Finnegan.*
An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, Are you a real pilot? He replied, Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearman's, then the early Grumman's, flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you? She said, I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women. The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, "Are you a real pilot?" He replied, Always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.
Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing. He asked his wife Mary if she would go to home depot and pick up a hinge. Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom Tap. When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that Bath Tap?" The manager replied, "That's a gold plated Bath Tap and the price is $450.00. Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is a very expensive Tap. It's certainly out of my price bracket. She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy. The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one. From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?" Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the Bath Tap. This is why you can't send a woman to Home depot........
A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes; the second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes; the following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes. The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened. The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes, the second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes, but, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...
Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age? Little Old Lady: I am 71 years old. Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st? Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, When a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.. Defense Attorney: Did you know him? Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly. Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down? Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him? Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago. Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then? Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years! Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!' Defense Attorney: Did he take you? Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' and ran off . And that's when I shot him ............. the little *******.
Q: Why do Jewish men have to be circumcised? A: Because a Jewish women wont touch anything unless it's 20% off
New SIM to surprise her husband Woman Buys A New Sim Card Puts It In Her Phone And Decides To Surprise Her Husband Who Is Seated On The Couch In The Living Room. She Goes To The Kitchen, Calls Her Husband With The New Number: "Hello Darling" The Husband Responds In A Low Tone: "Let Me Call U Back Later Honey, The Dumb Lady Is In The Kitchen..