A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon with her for $200. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment " RENT FOR APARTMENT " On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been that exciting. So he had his secretary send a cheque for $100 instead and enclose the following typed note: "Dear Madam: Enclosed find a cheque for $100 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that: 1 - it had never been occupied; 2 - there was plenty of heat; and 3 - it was small enough to make me feel cosy and at home. However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large." Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for $100 with the following note: "Dear Sir: First, I cannot understand how you could expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, only if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management. Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.
A chap is fishing and hooks a salmon, he reels it in and is just going to >kill it for his dinner when the salmon looks at him and says, "Hey mate, >don't kill me, I'm only a baby, I haven't swum the 7 seas yet. Give me a >chance pal." > >The man looks at the salmon "Hey, you can talk?" > >"Of course I can: go on put me back, there's much bigger fish under the >bridge." > >"All right," says the man, "I'll put you back, what's your name?" > >"Rusty," says the salmon, "And yours?" > >"My name's Dave." > >He puts the fish back in the water and resolves to say nothing to anyone, >for fear that he'll become a laughing stock. > >Ten years later he's fishing in the same spot and he hooks a monster. It >takes him two hours to land it. He looks at it and pictures it on his >dinner plate. Just then the salmon opens one eye and looks at him, "Dave, is that you?" > >"Rusty, I don't believe it! It must be 10 years since I let you go, what >have you been doing?" > >"Well Dave, I've had a fantastic time. I've swum the seven seas and all >the oceans. In fact, I've just come across the Atlantic, but I was really >disturbed." > >"Why's that Rusty?" > >"Well, I was half way across and a voice told me to swim deeper, so I did, deeper and deeper and I found this huge shipwreck. I counted four funnels. It felt like death so I had to leave." > >"Wow rusty, that was the Titanic. It sank and almost all on board were >drowned." > >"Ah, I knew it. In fact, I was so upset I had to sit down and write a poem >about it," said Rusty. > >"A poem? Don't talk daft, you're just a fish, how can you write a poem? >That's rubbish." > >"No Dave, really, it's available in all bookshops now." > >"Ok," says Dave, "so what's it called then?" > >"Salmon Rusty’s Titanic Verses!" Boom, boom.
Glasgow Rangers Manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football, and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Scotland . Two weeks later the Rangers are 4-0 down to Aberdeen with only 20 minutes left. The Manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod, and on he goes. The lad is a sensation and scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Rangers. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch, he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in Scottish football. 'Hello Mum, guess what?' he says. 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media they all love me'. 'Wonderful', says his Mum, 'let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters. All while you were having such a great time'. The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say Mum, except that I am very sorry?' Sorry?!!!' says his Mum. 'It's your bloomin fault we moved to Glasgow in the first place'!!
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: - Knowing when to come in out of the rain; - Why the early bird gets the worm; - Life isn't always fair; - and maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers, I Know My Rights I Want It Now Someone Else Is To Blame I'm A Victim Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on.
common sense died long ago when lefty liberals and health and safety laws came into being. i miss common sense, but the ethos he left behind is still practiced by some
The 7 Kinds of Sex Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex. The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face. The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen. The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom. The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you" The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone. And Last, but not least.... The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.
Sex in the Office Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, But she belonged to someone else... One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, 'I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you. But the girl said NO. Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. ' She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his Pants down.' So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened. She responded, 'The ******* used coins!' Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!
Safe At Last! I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on EBAY any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off my front window. I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch. I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard. Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN Buy on EBAY) and ran it up the flag pole. Now the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7. I've NEVER felt safer and I'm saving $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me. Plus, I bought burkas for me to wear when I shop or travel. Everyone moves out of the way and security can't pat me down. If they say I'm a male wearing a burka, I just say I'm feeling like a woman today. Hot Damn... Safe at last. Isn’t this administration great or what?
A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper say, You foreigners! Come in." So the couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some magical sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex." The wife was really interested in buying the sandals, but her husband felt he really didn't need them. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Man." Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!! The husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own and started pounding away. Frantically the old Jamaican screamed "WRONG FEET, YOU HAVE SHOES ON WRONG FEET"
Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car. A penny saved is a government oversight. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by thenyour body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy areplacement. He who hesitates is probably right. Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are "XL." If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he'sreally in trouble. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt. Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?" Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way... I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra. You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.