Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked. She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
No nursing home for us. We'll be checking into a Holiday Inn! With the average cost for a nursing home care costing £188.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old and too feeble. I've already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it's £59.23 per night. Breakfast is included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon. That leaves £128.77 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap. £5 worth of tips a day and you'll have the entire staff scrambling to help you. They treat you like a customer, not a patient. There's a bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up. It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you're not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Scotland ? They have Holiday Inn there too. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem.. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience. The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they'll call an ambulance . . . or the undertaker. If you fall and break a hip, NHS will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life. And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool. What more could I ask for? So, when I reach that golden age, I'll face it with a grin.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodaiki a bright foreign exchange student from Japan , who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775', he said. 'Very good!' Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?' Again, no response except from Little Hodaiki: 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'. 'Excellent!' said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more difficult...' Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?' Once again, Hodaiki's was the only hand in the air and he said: 'John F. Kennedy, 1961'. The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Hodaiki isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.' She heard a loud whisper: `F . . . k the Japs,' 'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded. Little Hodaiki put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.' At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.' The teacher glared around and asks, 'All right! Now who said that!?' Again, Little Hodaiki said, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.' Now furious, another student yelled, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!' Little Hodaiki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky 1997!' Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little $hite. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.' Little Hodaiki frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.' The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh $**te, we're feckedd!" Little Hodaiki said quietly, "Bob Diamond, Barclays Bank, 2012."
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool , Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.' Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.. How soon can I go home?'
A guy visits the doctor and says, ”Doc, I think I’ve got a sex problem. I can’t seem to get it up for the wife anymore.” The doctor says, “Come back tomorrow and bring your wife with you.” The next day, the guy shows up with his his wife. The Doctor says, “Take off your clothes and lie down on the table.” She does it, and the doctor walks around the table a few times looking her up and down. He pulls the guy to one side and says, “Your fine……………. She doesn’t give me a hard on either.”
A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives. "Look," he said. "My regular customers won’t ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condom won’t even be used. The first day was fine but on the second day a coloured guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350". The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament. "Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her. She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs. "Yes "!!!! she said " He's got one hanging there"....! The boss said "Go back in and give him $3-50......................He's the Window cleaner"!!!!!!!
An Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl, tzitzis and traditional locks of hair. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish. So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over there." Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the Arab. He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew. As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!" The Arab asks the bartender, "What's the hell is the matter with that Jew ? I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly bugger does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts ?" Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place." The moral of the story : The customer is KING , and is always RIGHT in his own sense. Silence is GOLDEN. Being passive to INSULTS , shifts the insult back to the person who bad-mouths others.
A Handy Bit of First Aid Two cowboys from Texas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar drinking their beers and quietly talking about cattle prices. Suddenly a woman at a table behind them, who had been eating a sandwich,begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress, and the cowboys turn to look at her. "Kin ya swaller?" asks one of the cowboys. No, the woman shakes her head. "Kin ya breathe?" asks the other. The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head no again. The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. This shocks the woman into a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth and she begins to breathe again. The cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a drink of his beer. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Maneuver, but, I never seen anybody do it before."
One day an old farmer fell asleep on the upper floor of his hay loft. When he woke Up, he saw his son having sex with his girlfriend in the hay below. He decided he Wouldn’t disturb them, so he lay down and rested. After a while he heard his son say, “Father, father up above, give me strength for one last shove.” So the father, being witty, replied “Son, son down below, get off and give your father a go.”
An artist tried to concentrate on his work, But the attraction he felt for his model Finally became irresistible. He threw down His palette, took her in his arms and kissed her. She pushed him away. “Maybe your other models let you kiss them,” she said “but I’m not that kind!” “Actually, I’ve never tried to kiss a model Before,” he protested. “Really?” she said, Softening. “Well, how many models have There been?” “Four so far,” he replied, thinking back. “A jug, two apples and a vase!!”
Dear Santa, How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day. Merry Christmas, Timmy Jones * * Dear Timmy, Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with. Merry Christmas, Santa Claus * * Mr. Claus, Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. Nice" contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite? Respectfully, Tim Jones * * Mr. Jones, While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney's have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days. Very Truly Yours, S Claus * * Now look here Fat Man, I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now your just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN! T-Bone * * Listen Pizza Face, Seriously? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You have no idea what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your **** wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people and if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in you're ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia. S Clizzy * * Dear Santa, Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything. Timmy * * Timmy, That's what I thought you little *******. Santa