In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP). And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks. And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com. Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE). That is how it all began. And that's the truth.
You Can’t Teach an Old Dog to Fly A woman called our airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board. “Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over. The customer was flummoxed: “I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!
THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS 1: I prefer breasts to legs. 2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. 3: Smother the butter all over the breasts. 4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst! 5: I've never seen a better spread! 6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change. 7: Are you ready for seconds yet? 8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it? 9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some! 10: Don't play with your meat! 11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go. 12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once? 13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time! 14: You still have a little bit on your chin. 15: How long will it take after you put it in? 16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up. 17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang. 18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had! 19: I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning. 20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more
What do you call a 27 year old Liverpool girl? A. Granny. Q. What do you call a Liverpool girl in a white tracksuit? A. The bride. Q. What does a Liverpool girl use as protection during sex? A. A bus shelter. Q. There are two Liverpool girls in a car without any music - who is driving? A. The policeman.. Q. What's the most confusing day in Liverpool ? A. Father's day Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Liverpool ? A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!
Did you hear about the elderly farmer who took a young lady for his wife. The old man was clearly in love, but his doctor and close friend was concerned that the farmer would not be able to satisfy the young woman's desires and that as a consequence the marriage was doomed to fail. In an attempt to keep the wife happy the doctor suggested to his elderly friend that it might be a good idea to hire a farm-hand. His thinking was that the farm-hand could both help the elderly farmer with the heavy manual chores and possibly provide any additional sexual pleasures for the wife without her having to stray from the farm. To the doctor's surprise the farmer was quite supportive of the idea and agreed to advertise for the farm-hand. Some six months later the two friends met up again and the doctor enquired as to the health of the farmer's wife. "Oh, she's pregnant replied the farmer". The doctor smiled knowingly. "And how's the farm-hand"? he continued. "Oh, she's pregnant too". replied the farmer.
Malcolm Turnbull met with the Queen in London. He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient empire? Are there any tips you can give to me?" "Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Malcolm frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?" The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send David Cameron in here, would you?" David Cameron walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?" The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, David, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, David Cameron answered, "That would be me." "Yes! Very good," said the Queen. Malcolm went back home to Australia and asked his Deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce the same question. "Barnaby, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," said Barnaby. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer. Finally, he ended up in the men's room and recognized Tony Abbott's shoes in the next stall. Barnaby asked, "Tony, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Tony yelled back, "That's easy, it's me!" Barnaby smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Malcolm. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Tony Abbott" Malcolm got up, stomped over to Barnaby, and angrily yelled into his face, "No, you idiot! It's the English Prime Minister, David Cameron!" AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON WITH OUR FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IN CANBERRA.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept trying to cover me up. First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. Somebody told me today that I'm lazy. I almost replied. I'm not lazy. I'm just highly motivated to do nothing. I'm never late. The others are simply too early! I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance–waiting for the bathroom. Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother. My relationship is like an iPad. I don't have an iPad. All my life I thought air was for free. That was until I bought a bag of crisps. Only ever trust your own butt to always stand behind you! A broad smile is a cooler way of showing your enemies that you have teeth. You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there. Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it. If you steal from one author, it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many, it’s research. Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others. Byebye........
Dog Owners A couple of dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter. "My dog is so smart," says the first owner, "that every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around. He tips the kid and then brings the newspaper to me, along with my morning coffee." "I know," says the second owner. "How do you know?" "My dog told me."
A word association poll found the words most associated with Donald Trump are idiot, jerk, stupid, and dumb. In other words, he really could be our next president. He's got everything it takes.
Pulling Together A guy drives into a ditch, but luckily, a farmer is there to help. He hitches his horse, Buddy, up to the car and yells, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy doesn’t move. "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy doesn’t budge. "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing. Then the farmer says, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse drags the car out of the ditch. Curious, the motorist asks the farmer why he kept calling his horse by the wrong name. "Buddy’s blind," said the farmer. "And if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try."
New prefix If blondes and bimbos were the same thing, the prefix 'bim' could be used to create new words that describe them: Bimbabble - noises coming from a group of blondes Bimbaffled - constant mental state of blondes Bimbait - short skirts, sheer blouses, string bikinis or other clothing worn by blondes in an attempt to attract the attention of males Bimbar - a bar where blondes hang out wearing bimbait Bimbag - a blonde's purse Bimbrushes - essential equipment in a bimbag Bimbastic surgeon - specialist in breast enhancements for blondes Bimbeeper - special instrument used as a homing device for lost blondes Bimbellow - sound emanating from a blonde after she finally got the most recent blonde joke she heard Bimbillion? - a blonde giving an estimate of anything Bimblaze - the result of a blonde trying to cook Bimblues - a blonde's state of mind after her latest boyfriend ditched her Bimboette - a young blonde Bimbonese - language spoken by blondes, largely unintelligible to anyone else Bimbonique behavior - airhead behavior, unique to blondes Bimboozle - to fool a blonde Bimbore - a blonde who uses "like" more than 10 times in a sentence Bimbozo - another name for a blonde Bimboron - a blonde even less intelligent than most other blondes Bimbrownie - a well-tanned blonde Bimbrunette - a blonde who dyes her hair brunette, usually to appear smarter than she actually is Bimburden - blonde carrying too many bags at the mall
Today I saw two blind people fighting I shouted "I'm supporting the one with the knife!" They both run away.......
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train rolled out of the station. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train. Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. With the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!" Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him had had enough and leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, turn that phone off and come back to bed. Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.
A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor. "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy b****** and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."