Is My Time UP? A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years. Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" (You'll love this) God replied: "I didn't recognize you!"
As we progress into 2016, I want to thank you all for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery. I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel. I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed. I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose. Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years. I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet. I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers. I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. Because of your concern , I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up. I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer. And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life. I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down. I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.. And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .. Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt. And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over. I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off. If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbors ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician! Oh, and by the way... A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late. P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet..
An Italian Confession An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: Bless Me, Father for I have sinned... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me tohide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic." The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that." "There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favours This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays." The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. But two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven." "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question." "And what is that?" asked the priest. "Should I tell her the war is over?''
Deep thoughts..... Shoveled snow today and after doing so I sat down and had a couple of nice cold beers. The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew ignited some deep thinking on various topics. Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and even more deep thinking, I have come up with theanswer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby and here is the reason for my conclusion: A year or two after giving birth, a woman will often say "It might be nice to have another child". On the other hand, you never hear a guy say: "You know,I think I'd like another kick in the nuts". Case closed. Time for another beer...
CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY... Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient. Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly. Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent. Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts. Man who eats many prunes get good run for money. War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it. Man who stands on toilet is high on pot. Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY. . .... "A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"
Longest Nerve In The Body Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus? It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a s h i t t y outlook on life. If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your a r s e and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eyes. My public service is done for the day!
Teatime Lovebite A woman almost bit off her husband's willy as he cooked pancakes for tea - while she gave him oral sex In the heat of passion he lost his grip on the ban and spilt boiling oil down her naked back. She in turn clenched her teeth on his willy and in agony he bashed her on the head with the pan. Both only ever admitted how they received their injuries after "intense questioning" by the hospital doctors in Carioca, Romania. The man needed major treatment to his willy while the wife had burns, two black eyes and a broken cheek bone!!!
"Mother," asked Johnny "Can you lend me $20?" "Certainly not." "If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop." His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?" "He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow will you.' "
President Obama goes to a college to talk to the students. After his talk, he offers to answer questions. One young man puts up his hand, and Obama asks him his name. " Walter," replies the student. "And what is your question, Walter?" "I have four questions. First, why did the USA bomb Libya without the support of Congress?" "Second, why do you keep saying you've fixed the economy, when it's actually gotten worse?" "Third, why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preaching and beliefs?" "Fourth, why are we lending money to Brazil to drill for oil, but America isn't allowed to drill for oil?" Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the students that they will continue after recess. When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?" Another student puts up his hand. Obama asks him his name. "Steve," he says. "And what is your question, Steve?" "Actually, I have two questions. First, why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?" "Second, what the hell happened to Walter?"
Mick & Paddy were having a "night in" at Paddy's house watching the football. When the game finished Mick got up to go home but when he looked outside it was peeing down with rain. Paddy said "you can't go home in this weather, I'll go & make you a bed up" When Paddy came back downstairs he sees Mick near the front door absolutely soaking wet. "What's happened" says Paddy. Mick says " I went home for my pyjamas"
RETIRED PERSON HEALTH MESSAGE As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's @.rse anymore. .. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal. .. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat. .. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while .. A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years. And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so. Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered: 1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. 2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran. 3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart. 4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. 5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. 6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it? 7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser. 8. Some days, you're the top dog; some days you're the hydrant. 9. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them. 10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents. 11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids. 12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. 13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom. 14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees. 15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess. 16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere. 17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. 18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after". 19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. 20. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE.........
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners: 1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time. 2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole. 3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. 4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. 5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. 7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high 8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. 9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.) 11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. 12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. 13. Glibido: All talk and no action. 14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. 16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. 17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are: 1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs. 2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained. 3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. 4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk. 5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent. 6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown. 7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp. 8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash. 9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller. 10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline. 11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam. 12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists. 13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist. 14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms. 15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there. 16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead. Life is sexually transmitted. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. Have you noticed since everyone has a phone camera these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. How is it one careless match can start a bush fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Golf and Dentist A couple of old guys were golfing when one mentioned that he was going to go to Dr. Robinson for a new set of dentures in the morning. His elderly buddy remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same dentist two years before. "Is that so?" asked the first old guy. "Did he do a good job?" The second oldster replied, "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when a guy on the next fairway hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 200 mph when it smacked me right in the testicles." The first old guy was confused and asked, "What the hell does that have to do with your dentures?" "It was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt....."
HUSBAND'S PERSPECTIVE I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked: "What's on the TV?" I said: "Dust! I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested. Why do men die before their wives? They want to. What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks. A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said: "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said: "God, I wish I had your will power. Do you know the punishment for bigamy?: Two mothers-in-law. Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son. A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. First guy: "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine is still alive." How do men define marriage?: An expensive way to get laundry done for free. Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. Then there was a man who said: "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late." A little boy asked his father: "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying.
Dear racist, Your car is Japanese. Your beer is German. Your wine is Spanish. Your democracy is Greek. Your coffee is Colombian. Your tea is Chinese. Your watch is Swiss. Your fashion is French. Your shirt is Indian. Your shoes are Thai. Your radio is Korean. Your vodka is Russian. And then you complain that your neighbor is an immigrant? Sincerely, lets just all live and let live
An Irishman & Englishman are happily talking over a couple of pints in their local pub. Jack nudges Paddy and says "Hey Pat, if I was to sneak over to your house, whilst you were out, and make love to your wife so that she got pregnant and then had a baby; would that make us related?" Paddy took another long sip of his Guinness, grinned widely then shook his head "Ah no, Jack! But it'd surely make us even!"