Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them; they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said “Hang on, I have an idea.” He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said “Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!” Murphy replied, “Don't worry - just follow me.” He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. Shamus said “Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!” Murphy replied, with a smile. “Don't worry; I have a plan, Cheers!” They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, “OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.” The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said “Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!” Murphy said, “How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.”
A man goes into the doctors feeling a little ill The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth..' So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before. They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320 Then he gets the full house and wins £1000. Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000. The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, 'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!' 'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24 .' 'F**k me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the raffle as well !!
The Italian lover A virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido, was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where they went back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. "No." Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No." Stunned, but refusing to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?" Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear..... "No, Norwegian.
Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him
The Census The census taker comes to the Goldman house. “Does Louis Goldman live here?” he asks. “No,” replies Goldman. “Well, then, what is your name?” “Louis Goldman.” “Wait a minute–didn’t you just tell me that Goldman doesn’t live here?” “Aha,” says Goldman. “You call this living?”
I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at a bar. One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired." His buddy says, "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do." A fellow about 72, sitting a couple of stools down had also over-heard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says, "Marry her. That'll put a stop to it!"-----
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties. The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?" The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5." The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced fricken tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first! "OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that.. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom." Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said........"Your brother won't let me in without a tie."
David Beckham gets into a taxi and he sees the driver looking at him in the rear view mirror. After about 5 minutes the driver says "OK give me a clue" Beckham says "I had a glittering career at Manchester United, played in America and got over a 100 caps for England, is that enough?" Driver says "No you thick ****, where do you want to go?"
MURDER AT TESCO Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed. A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £10,000. The Husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed. A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested. The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared... You're going to hate me for this... ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; ; 'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 @ Tesco'
The Jewish Elbow A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. "You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?" "Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? ......... "What . .. . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"
Wise Italian Grandfather An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" "You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. " "Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "?
A MAN AND WOMAN WERE MARRIED FOR MANY YEARS Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout , "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" Neighbours feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. After the burial, her neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked: "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?" The wife said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down. And I know he won't ask for directions."
A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates... As he enters, he asks St. Peter, 'I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?' St. Peter said, 'That's a question only God can answer.' So the zebra went off in search of God. When he found Him, the zebra asked, 'God, please - I must know Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?' God simply replied 'You are what you are.' The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, 'Well, did God straighten out your query for you?' The zebra looked puzzled.. 'No sir, God simply said 'You are what you are.'' St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, 'Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes..' The zebra asked St. Peter, 'How do you know that for certain?' 'Because,' said St. Peter, 'If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, 'You is what you is..'
A traveling salesman is driving by a farm when he notices a 3 legged pig. Not being in any particular rush, he decides to stop and ask the farmer about the pig. The farmer says "There's an interesting story about that pig". "One night, my wife and I were asleep when the house caught fire." "The pig came in, woke us up, and saved our lives" The traveling salesman says "So that's how He lost his leg." The farmer says "Hell no. You don't eat a pig like that all at once!"
Three dead bodies turn up at a London mortuary all with very big smiles on their faces. The Coroner thought he should inform the Police to tell them what has happened. 'First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile said the Coroner to the Police Inspector. 'Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery. Spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.' The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?' 'Ah,' said the Coroner, 'this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.' 'Why is he smiling then?' said the Inspector. 'He thought he was having his picture taken'.
Three men in an Navy recruiting office. An officer is sitting at a desk with a book and pen in front of him. He calls the first man over. "Alright son, what's your name?" "McCoy, Sir." The officer writes it in the book. "Okay, McCoy, what did you do in Civi Street?" "I was a poof sir." The officer looks up in disgust. "A poof! A flaming poof!" "You don't understand sir, I worked in a glass factory, that was my job. To cool the glass off, I'd blow on it. POOF POOF." "Alright McCoy. Go and wait over there." He points to the other side of the office and calls the next man. "Alright son what's your name." "McCoy sir." "Are you related to him?" "No sir." "Okay McCoy what did you do in Civi street?" "I was a poof sir." "A poof! a flaming poof!" The officer looks in disgust. "No sir, you don't understand. That was my job, I worked in a Candle factory and to cool the wax, I blew on it POOF, POOF." The officer directs him to stand with the first man. He calls the third man over. "Okay Son, What's your name?" "McCoy." He replies in a very camp tone. "You related to either of those two?" "No sir." "Alright McCoy, what did you do in Civi street?" "I was a poof sir" "Don't tell me, you worked in a Glass factory?" "No sir." "You worked in a candle factory?" "No. I'm the real McCoy."