The other night i walked into a bar. On the counter stood a bowl filled with money. I asked what's that for? The bartender told me, when you put 5 euro in the bowl, there is a horse in the back and when you get him to laugh you can take all the money in the bowl. So i went to the back and after a minute i came back and the horse was laughing, he really was laughing his ass off. The bartender gave me the money, i bought everyone a drink and i went home. A week later i came into the same bar and the bowl on the counter was filled up again. I asked what's the challenge this time? The bartender said, this time when you get the horse to cry you can have all the money. Again, i put the money in and went to the back and after a minute i came back and the horse was crying, really crying his eyes out. The bartender gave me the money, i bought everyone a drink and i when i wanted to go home, the bartender pulled me aside and asked me, How did you do it, first you got it to laugh and now you got it to cry? I told him, at the first time i told the horse my weener was much larger than his and he started laughing like crazy. The second time i showed it to him......
Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please." The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?" "Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees. "Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..." "Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude." "So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender. "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive
Two Irish lads (obviously Pat & Mick) are drinking in a bar and Pat says to Mick "I had my way with that blonde lass that I met last night" Mick replies to him and says "will you be seeing her again later tonight?" "No!"says Pat, "I think she is a girl of lose morals" "What makes you think that?" Says Mick and Pat replies with a sad face "I saw her knickers when she took them off and on the back it said.......NEXT!!
A little boy kills a butterfly. Dad says, "No butter for one week!" The little boy kills a honeybee. Dad says, "No honey for one week!" Mom kills a cockroach. The little boy turns to his dad and says, "Are you gonna tell her or should i do it?
A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress. A sign read: 'Don't miss Bruce The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd. Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded poster for the same circus and the same sign 'Don't miss Bruce The Amazing Scotsman'. He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show. 'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts? 'Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nay whit they used tae be!!!!!!!!!'
Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate when he accidentally ran over her favourite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp. He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught. The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic. Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, polished it and immediately a Genie appeared. "Thanks, old chap. You have freed me from thousands of years of metaphysical imprisonment," said the Genie. “As a reward I shall grant you one wish." "Well," said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog." They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me..?" the Prince asked. The Genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head. "This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like..?" The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. "I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana," said Prince Charles,showing the genie the first photo. "But now I love this woman called Camilla." He showed the genie the second photo. "You see Camilla isn't quite as beautiful, but do you think you can make her as beautiful as Diana..?" The Genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Let's have another look at that dog."
Teacher: "Good morning children, each Thursday we're going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday. "Wee Jimmy (a typical Scottish skally wag) thinks, "Ya dancer. Ah'm pure dead brilliant at ma general knowledge stuff an' that. This is gonnae be a dawdle, come ahead ya radge, a lang weekend fir me." Teacher: "Right class, who can tell me who said 'Don't ask what Your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country? 'Wee Jimmy shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher looking round picks Jeremy at the front. Teacher: "Yes, Jeremy" Jeremy (in a very English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy his inauguration speech in 1960." Teacher: "Very good Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday. "The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Jimmy is even more determined. Teacher: "Who said. 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?' "Wee Jimmy's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know. I know, Me Miss, me Miss!" Teacher looking round and picks Timothy, sitting at the front: "Yes Timothy."Timothy (in a very, very posh, English accent):"The answer is Winston Churchill, his 1941 Battle of Britain speech." Teacher: "Very good Timothy, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday." The following Thursday comes around and Wee Jimmy is hyper, he's been studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes. He's coiled in his wee plastic chair, slavers dripping in anticipation. Teacher: "Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind'?" Wee Jimmy's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming "Miss, me miss, meeeeee!" Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front: "Yes Rupert. "Rupert (in a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plumy English accent): "Yes miss, that was Neil Armstrong. 1969, the first moon landing." Teacher: "Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday" Wee Jimmy is raging and loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming: "Fur ****s sake, where did all these English *******s come from?" Teacher, looking round the class: "Who said that?" Wee Jimmy grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door and states, "Sir William Wallace, Battle of Falkirk, July 1298, See youse on fuk'in Tuesday!!"
Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill. One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital. Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising". Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill. A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw. So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital.. Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising". And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work. But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital. Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead." Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in." "No", says the nurse, "Some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.
A golfer hits his ball into a garden close to the course, As he goes to get it, the owner of the house shouts "stay out, this is private property!" The golfer replies "sorry, may I go and get my ball?" "No" replies the owner "it's mine now" The golfer calmly walks to his cart, picks out another ball and lobs it into the mans garden, "Why did you do that?" the man asked The golfer looks up and says...... "Because I'm a golfer, a gentleman and I think every Pr##k should have two balls!!"
IRISH JOB INTERVIEW Mick had applied for a fermentation operator post, at a famous Irish firm, based in Dublin. A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager. When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20. The manager went to Mick and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Polish man the job." Mick said, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct." "This being Ireland and me being Irish, surely I should get the job." The Manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong." Mick exclaimed, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?" Manager, "Simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, 'I don’t know.' You put down, “Neither do I.”
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, ‘Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age,' Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex... Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying, 'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense. ‘Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.' The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. 'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed, 'for me?' 'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?' After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, ‘Wedding Cake.'