Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Switzerland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?' A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!'
A Bar In Dublin... A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit and, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar she asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" The bar went silent as patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?" The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows. 'Thirty euros,' she whispers. Murphy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only thirty euros. So they hid in the bushes. They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is the police. 'What's going on here, people?' asks the cop. 'I'm making love to me wife,' Paddy answers sounding annoyed. 'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.' 'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that bloody light in her face!'
Two good old boys, Mick & Paddy, have been promoted from privates to Lance Corporals. Not long afterwards, they're out for a walk and Mick says, "Hey, Paddy, there's the NCO Club; let's you and me step in." "But we’re only privates," protests Paddy. "We’re Lance Corporals now," says Mick, pointing to his stripe and pulling him inside. "Now, Paddy, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink." "But we're privates," says Paddy. "You blind, boy?" asks Mick, pointing again at his stripe. "We're Lance Corporals now!" So they have their drink, and pretty soon one of the Army lasses comes up to Mick. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhoea." Mick pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Paddy, go look in the dictionary and see what Gonorrhoea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign." So Paddy goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Mick the big Thumbs Up. Three weeks later Mick is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea. Mick says to Paddy, "Why did you give me the thumbs up?" "Well Mick, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhoea affects only the privates and we're Lance Corporals now! "
Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up. He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-down. So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan. He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen. But he won't say what it is, so he asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes. He leads Fr.Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor. "Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top." "No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy "Oh my Lord," says Fr. Flanagan, "dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It's a mir…. Wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people round; to interview you, take photos, etc." A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome. No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue. Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling. "It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out. Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared 'No Miracle' because they think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!"
An Irish daughter had not been home for over three years. Upon her return, her father yelled at her, "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us? Not even a line. Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?" The girl, crying, replied, Sniff, sniff...."Dad.....I was too embarrassed, I became a prostitute." "Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless hussy! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family, so yer are." "OK, Daddy...as ye wish...I just came back to give Mammy this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a eight bedroom mansion plus a $5 million cheque. For me little brother Seamus, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the Limerick Country Club. She takes a breath and continues, "and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Caribbean .." "Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad. Girl, crying again, Sniff, sniff...."A prostitute Daddy!" Sniff, sniff. "Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death girl! I thought ye said a feckin' PROTESTANT. Come here and give yer old Daddy a big hug."
A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. Looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Welshman. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and, realizing he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'
A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard. "What is the matter with you?!" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly... She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. 'There's no charge,' she says. 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads.'
I tried to catch some fog. I mist. • When chemists die, they barium. • Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. • A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. • I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time. • I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me. • This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. • I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down. • I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. • This dyslexic man walks into a bra. • I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. • When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. • I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me! • Broken pencils are pointless. • What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus. • England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool . • I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest. • I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx. • All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on. • I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough. • Velcro - what a rip off!
I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 66. I'm so happy, because I live at number 76. So it's not too far to walk home afterwards. And it's the same side of the street. I don't even have to cross the road
Thursday night he gradually came to…. Stiff as a board and in pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose & down his throat, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him. It was obvious he'd been in a serious accident. The nurse gave him a deep and steady heartfelt look straight in the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.” He somehow managed to mumble in reply, “Can I feel your boobs then?” NOW THAT'S A POSITIVE ATTITUDE!!
Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. 'Well, it's quite simple really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' (true) And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.' 'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.' 'No problem,' he says.. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks. Dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table. After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming. But still.... Total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father shouted. I'll do the ****in dishes..!!