God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wants to get into heaven. The woman said she would try her best. God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.. "Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over the lounge suite and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he couldn’t control himself and made love to me right then and there." "They don't like that in heaven", said God........ The woman replied: " And they're not too happy about it in IKEA either!"
A flight on its way to toronto , when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm going to toronto and i'm staying right here." the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm going to toronto and i'm staying right here." the co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason. The pilot says, "you say she is a blonde? I'll handle this, i'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." he goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "oh, i'm sorry." and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. I told her, "first class isn't going to toronto ".
A 6 year old grandson that was shopping with his grandfather got lost in the shopping centre. The boy approached a uniformed security guard and said, “I’ve lost my grandad!” The guard asked, “What’s his name?” The boy replied, “Grandad.” The guard smiles, then asks “What’s he like?” To which the little tyke hesitated for a moment and replied, “Jack Daniels and women with big tits!!
"Lexophilia is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end. .. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate. .. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. .. The batteries were given out free of charge. .. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail. .. A will is a dead giveaway .. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. .. A boiled egg is hard to beat. .. When you've seen one shopping cent re you've seen a mall. .. Police were summoned to a daycare cent re where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. .. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now. .. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired. .. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. .. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered. .. He had a photographic memory which was never fully developed. .. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye. .. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it. And the cream of the twisted crop: ... Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
A Texan walks into a pub in Temple Bar, Dublin and clears his throat to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Dubliners are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Dub. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Dub tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Dub the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Dub replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
Three Dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said, "So why are you Here?” The Yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I **** on everything. The sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids, but the final straw was last night when I ****** in the middle of my owner's' bed.” The Black Lab said, "So what's the vet going to do? “ "Gonna Cut my nuts off," came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down.” The Yellow Lab said to the Black Lab, "Why are you here, then?” The Black Lab said, "I'm a Digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my Owners''s couch." "So what are they going to do to You?" the Yellow Lab inquired. "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said. The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here? "I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I just want to hump everything I see. Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and she was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away." The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?” The Great Dane said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped!"
Female Compassion Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife, Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love. Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, 'Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live maybe we could make love again?' Carolyn agreed and again they made love. Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, 'Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die.' She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep. Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. 'Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?' His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, 'Listen Barry, I'm not being funny... ..but I have to get up in the morning and you don't.
Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered: * 1. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it. 2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran. 3. I finally got my head together and now my body is falling apart. 4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. 5. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees. 6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it? 7. It was a whole lot easier to get older than to get wiser. 8. Some days you're the top dog; some days you're the lamp post. 9. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them. 10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents. 11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids. 12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. 13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom. 14. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. 15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess. 16. Its not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere. 17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. 18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm "here after". 19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
A large group of Isis fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: "One Marine is better than ten Isis fighters". The Isis commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the dune where a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice once again calls out: "One Marine is better than one hundred Isis "S.O.B.s". Furious, the Isis commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The voice calls out again: "One Marine is better than a thousand Isis fighters." The enraged Isis commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought .... Then silence. Eventually one badly wounded Isis fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men... it's a trap. There's two of them.
National Orgasm Day He turns to his wife in bed and whispers "Did you know it's National Orgasm Day?" "Oh, what a pity," she smiled, "Right in the middle of National Headache Week !!
Four guys have been going to the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years. Two days before the group is due to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going and that she's got something else planned. Naturally, Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do? Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up! "Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?" "Well, actually, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing only a see-through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. On her bedside table I saw the book '50 Shades of Grey'. She had lit candles and sprinkled rose petals around and on the bed she had handcuffs and ropes! Then she slipped off her nightie, laid on the bed and said, "Okay tie me up, hand-cuff me to the bed, and do whatever you want." "So, here I am!"