My mother-in-law is suffering from depression. She phoned me the other day and said, "I feel like jumping in front of a bus and you're not doing anything to help." So I sent her a timetable.
Jack goes to his friend Mike and says ... "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?" The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees. After mass, he starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest... "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied." The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says... "You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago"
Osama bin Laden arrives in heaven, he is surprised that there are not 72 virgins waiting for him, and even more surprised to find St Peter meeting him. "Welcome Osama, we've been waiting for you. Is there anything you need?" Said St Peter. "Well would it be possible to see Mohamed?" Asks OBL "In a moment, I have to register you first." When he was finished Osama asked again. "Can I see Mohamed now?" "Ok," said St Peter, "Would you like a coffee?" "That would be nice." Said Osama. St. Peter opened the door and shouted. "Yo Mohamed, two coffees please."
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. ‘How did this happen?’ the emergency room doctor asked her. ‘Well, I was trying to commit suicide,’ the blonde replied. ‘What?’ sputtered the doctor. ‘You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?’ ‘No, silly’ the blonde said. ‘First I put the gun to my chest, & then I thought, ‘I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants … I’m not shooting myself in the chest.’ ‘So then?’ asked the doctor. ‘Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, ‘I just paid $3,000..00 to get my teeth straightened I’m not shooting myself in the mouth.’ ‘So then?’ ‘Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: ‘This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.”
Windows vs. Ford. For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX) : Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating: If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part): 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........twice a day. 2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car. 3.. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this. 4.... Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5.... Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads. 6...... The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light. 7...... The airbag system would ask,"Are you sure?"before deploying. 8........ Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 9........ Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 10.......... You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off. PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call "customer service" in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!
Has anyone lost a large wad of £20 notes, . wrapped in an elastic band? ~ . Please get in touch ASAP, . I've found the elastic band.
From now on, I'll believe in The Prophet Muhammad. I decided to go to the local Mosque for the first time, to see what it was all about. I went in and sat down. The Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of Allah the All Mighty, and the Prophet Muhammad, you will walk today." I told him I was not paralysed. I can walk. He came back and laid his hands on me and repeated "By the will of Allah the All Mighty, and the Prophet Muhammad, you will walk today." Once again, I told him there is nothing wrong with me. After the prayers, I stepped outside and stuff me........................ …..my car was gone!
Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?" Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track." "What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector. "Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there," answers Tom. "What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector. "Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box." "What if the phone was being used?" "In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station." "What if that had been vandalized?" "Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo." This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?" "Because he's never seen a train crash."
A sergeant-major in the Paras was giving a lecture to some raw recruits. ''If you want to be part of this regiment,'' he shouted at them, ''then you need to have COMMITMENT! What do you need?'' ''COMMITMENT, sergeant-major!'' the recruits all shouted back. ''Right, I shall now demonstrate my COMMITMENT to this regiment.'' The sergeant-major then ordered one of the men to open a nearby door. Almost as soon as the squaddie turned the handle, the door was pushed open and in slithered a ten-foot-long alligator, snarling and snapping. The sergeant-major then undid his belt and dropped his trousers. Almost as soon as he did so, the alligator ran up and sank his teeth right into the sergeant-major's love truncheon. The sergeant-major barely winced. ''This,'' he shouted. ''is what we in the Parachute Regiment call COMMITMENT!'' He weaited several seconds more to make his point and then swiftly jabbed the alligator in both eyes with his fingers. The alligator flipped over on his back, jumped up, and ran into the corner of the office, glaring angrily at the sergeant-major. ''That, you 'orrible bunch, is what we in the Paras call COMMITMENT. Now which one of you 'orrible little men is ready to demonstrate his COMMITMENT?'' There was much shuffling of feet and murmuring until finally one young lad stepped forward. ''I, will sergeant-major,'' he said ''but you've got to promise not to poke me in the eyes.''
A couple were recently in the local shopping centre. They became separated and about 20 minutes later she telephoned him When he answered, her angry voice asked "Where the hell are you?" He sighed and replied You remember 25 years ago today, we were in this very shopping centre?" "Yes." Came the caustic reply. Well. Do you also remember that jewelers shop?" "Yes." she said starting to regret being so short tempered. "And do you remember that really expensive necklace that you really liked. And that I told you I would buy it for you one day?" Tears began to well in her eyes, She regretted being so terse with him, and she whispered, her voice beginning to shake "Yes. I do." "Well........................" He said. "I'm in the pub next door."
A mother in law said to her son,s wife.. when their baby was born. I don,t mean to be rude but he doesn,t look anything like my son .. The daughter in law lifted her skirt up and said... I don,t mean to rude either but this is what you see ... It,s not a photo copier .........
Female irish athlete goes to her doctor and says "doctor, with all steroids i am taking i think im growing a penis". Anabolic? asks the doctor, no she says, just a penis.
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced. "Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said: "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is ‘sternum’."
AKROYD’S FUNERAL It was dark as a coal-hole picnic On the day Grandad Akroyd dropped dead; Work was scarce as rocking-horse droppings, Not a church roof for miles had lead. So cold that the flame on the candle, Got frozen one Wednesday night, And we had to warm it up in the oven Before we could get it to light. Some brass monkeys outside sung carols soprano, You could ‘ear ’em cursin’ and swearin’, As they wandered ’round lost in the cold and the frost They couldn’t find their bearings. On Sunday our chicken for dinner Was a pigeon from off next door’s loft. And me Dad pumped it up with his bike pump, too hard And our Sunday dinner buggered off. ‘What would you like to eat now, Dad?’ Said our Mam, picking her nose, ‘Hard boiled eggs,’ our Dad said, ‘You can’t get your fingers in those.’ We couldn’t afford to kill t’ chicken, So we boiled some water up hot, And with bunches of dried peas tied to its knees, It Paddled about on the top. Me Grandad had mortgaged his pension ‘Til 1994, While me Gran in her vest, was outside doing her best, With a red light above t’coal shed door. ‘I can’t stand’t no more,’ the old man cried, A mad light shone in his glass eye, ‘We’ll have to defraud the insurance man Hands up, I want a volunteer to die.’ Mam said she would have, but she were too busy, Our Albert said his library book was due back, Gran said she would but her and her mate, Had got tickets for last Saturday’s match. So we drew straws to settle the matter, But there was never no doubt, ‘Cos me Dad cut me Grandad’s in haIf wi’t’ bread-knife, Just as he was pulling it out. I’m too old to die,’ he said, using the cat As a club to belabour me Dad, ‘All right,’ me Dad says, ‘you don’t have to die… Just lie down and pretend as you are.’ So me Grandad lay down on the hearth-rug, And we called the doctor in. Gran took out a bottle and glasses, And got him smashed on her dandelion gin. He said me Grandad had died of a very rare disease, A bad case of tropical frostbite, Then he staggered off out and we all heard a shout From the street ‘cos he slipped in some dog s**te. Our Billy ran round for the Man from the Pru, Gran filled him with dandelion gin, He paid £4.10 in used chipshop yen And said, ‘When are you burying him?’ ‘Oh, We weren’t thinking of burying him,’ Grandma said, ‘Thinking of having stuffed meself, Or embalming him in Plasticraft, And keeping him on’t mantelshelf.’ ‘Nay, yon is illegal,’ said Man from Pru. ‘Grandad will have to be buried, In a box and shroud in constipated ground.’ At this Grandad looked reet worried. The Man from the Pru’ said he’d come to the burying And see as how things were done quite right, Then he staggered off out and we all heard a shout From the street ‘cos he slipped on that stuff that I told you about before. ‘I’ve just done that, ‘said the doctor, So the insuranceman rubbed his nose in it. So the pretend corpse now had to be buried, Me Dad got an old kipper crate, When the holes got plugged and the wood it looked good With plastic brass handles on – great. ‘We’ll only bury you just till he’s gone, Then we’ll dig you up, honest,’ Dad said. It took a bottle of gin before Grandad gave in And lay int’ box to play dead. Me Gran looked down at the box saying, ‘What a lovely corpse.’ Tears fell on her dripping and toast, When the body at rest shoved his hand up her vest, saying ‘Now then, how’s that for a ghost?’ So we put the box on big Mabel’s coal cart And off to t’cemetery we set, We followed on bikes and all seemed quite right Until another burying we met. A policeman was stood on point duty, ‘Cos there was a fault on the traffic lights, But he fell to the ground with his arms flaying round ‘Cos’ he slipped on the road on another load of that stuff I was telling you about before. ‘We just done that,’ said the doctor and the insurance man, So the policeman rubbed their noses in it. As he spun on the ground the traffic flew round, And the two buryings got in a jam, Their driver took a poke at me Dad wi’ a wrench And got a kick up the shoemaker’s off me Mam. When we sorted it out we’d got the wrong box; Grandma said, ‘Ee, we won’t see no more of him,’ When their driver come round our burying we found Had gone to the crematorium. By the time that we got there the service was done, You could hear the organ play. As the congregation wept hankies and sniffed, And our kipper box was on its way. The shutters were open, we all heard the flames, And suddenly Grandad gave a yell, And a coffin with legs and its arse end on fire Ran out on t’conveyor belt! O’er the pews and out through the window, The burning kipper box ran, And we all cheered the crate as it swam through the lake Chased by me Dad and me Mam. ‘A blessed miracle,’ said me Gran, But the Man from the Pru went quite white; ‘Ruined,’ he roared, he would have said more But he slipped in the road on some more of that stuff I’ve been telling you about. ‘I’ve just done that, ‘said the policeman, So the insurance man rubbed his nose in it.