A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch. How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about £50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?" "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded. The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes." A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already??" the startled husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50 and handed it to her along with a £10 tip. "Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
A German guy approaches a lady of the night. 'I vish to buy sex mit you.' 'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge €50 an hour.' "Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.' 'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.' So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller. 'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.' The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees. 'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.' She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs. 'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.' She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.) She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say, 'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position?' 'Ah,' says the German ........ 'zat is ze.... . . . . .'Four-sprung Duck technique'
Murphy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows. 'Thirty Euros,' she whispers. Murphy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only thirty Euros. So they hid in the bushes. They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is the police. 'What's going on here then?' asks the cop. 'I'm making love to me wife,' Murphy answers sounding annoyed 'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.', 'Well, neither did I, til ya shone that bloody light in her face!!
A farmer goes to a market and buys an anvil, a bucket, two chickens, and a goose,the farmer looks at his purchases and says, "Damn,i walked here.how am I going to carry all this home?" The market dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went. While walking home he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to Brighedown Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from there. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?" The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" She replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket ... and I'll hold the chickens."
Chinese Tour Guide in Shanghai... There was this Chinese girl at a travel agency when I was in Shanghai ; I asked her if she could escort me for a city tour and asked for her mobile number, so I could call her to make arrangements. She got excited and said: "sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonight" Wow, I'm guessing this is how Chinese women express their hospitality! But then, my friend interpreted it for me and told me what she really said : 666136429
An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees. The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled "Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!" The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately. "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we’ll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!". He began his series of questions: Tower : " How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?" Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter Dial in front of me." Tower: "Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you’re traveling at 180 mph?" Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of me." Tower: Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast, so how do you know you're flying upside down?" Aircraft : ” “The ***** in my pants is running out of my shirt collar."
I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'. We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?'
A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real prat, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms. The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything. When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to The 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!" Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?" Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top." Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?" "Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined." "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?" "Aggressive and hostile, Sir." "Aggressive and hostile?" "Yes, Sir. "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?" Well, sir, you know your client better than I do. How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client?
Paddy us painting his lounge. His wife walks in and can't believe how well he's doing. But the sweat is dripping off him. She says "why are you wearing a leather jacket and a Parker ?" Paddy says HELLOOOOOOOO! Read the f------ tin - it says, for best results put two coats on!!"
A man purchased a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 120....Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The policeman got out of his car and came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The man thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a copper, I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice weekend," said the policeman!
1. I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear. 2. You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice 3. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off 4. My teacher accused me of plagiarism. His words, not mine. 5. What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? About half way. 6. A man in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.. 7. I, for one, like Roman numerals. 8. Why does a chicken coop have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan. 9. Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing. 10. There is no “i” in denial 11. I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay. 12. You’re not completely useless, you can always serve as a bad example. 13. What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle? Attire. 14. You can never lose a homing pigeon – if your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, what you’ve lost is a pigeon. 15. How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for the fresh prints. 16. I didn’t believe my dad was a construction site thief until I got home. All the signs were there. 17. And The Lord said come forth and receive eternal life. But john came fifth and won a toaster. 18. I have a stepladder, because my real ladder left when I was a kid. 19. Why are deer nuts better than beer nuts? Beer nuts cost $1.50 but deer nuts are under a buck. 20. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Neither, the rooster did
A very rich & attractive blonde from Scotland. buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sports car. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't go at all. After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealer, and they send out a technician to her. The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it. So he turns to the Linda and asks: "Madam, are you sure you are using the right gears?" Full of anger, Linda replies: "You Stupid man, how on earth you could ask such a question? I'm not stupid you know! Of course I am using the right gears; I use "D" during the day and "N" at night."!!
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he ...would even answer the phone." Immediately, the husband drove down town to confront the chemist, and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the chemist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realise that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys. "Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tyre. " "When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing." He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of 10p coins against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke." "Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer." "And believe me Mr, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."
After my recent Prostate Exam at t he General Hospital , which was one of the most thorough examinations I've ever had, the Doctor left and the nurse came in. As she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear.... She said...."Who Was That guy?"
A Lawyer Had A Wife And 12 Children And Needed To Move As His Rental Agreement Was Coming To An End For The Home Where He Lived But Was Having Difficulty In Finding A New Home. When he said he had 12 children, no one would Rent A Home To Him because they knew that the Children Would Destroy The Home. He could not say that he had no children, He Could Not Lie, After all, Lawyers Cannot And Do Not Lie. So, he had an idea : he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 children. He took the remaining one with him to see homes with the Real Estate Agent. He liked one of the homes and the agent asked : "How Many Children Do You Have ? He answered : "12 children, but only one is with me now. The agent asked "Where are the others ? The Lawyer answered, with a sad look, "They are in the Cemetery with their Mother. And that's the way he was able to Rent A Home For His Family Without Lying. MORAL : It is not Necessary To Lie, One Only Has To Choose The Right Words. Lawyers Don't Lie ...They Are Creative .....and don't forget: Most politicians are lawyers.....