You'll be fine," the Doctor said after finishing the young woman's surgery. "But", she asked, "how long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again Doctor?" The Surgeon seemed to pause and his face reddened as a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye. The girl was alarmed. "What's the matter, Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?" He replied, "Yes, yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out".
Ron Chester, 89 years of age, was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night. Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" Ron replied, "That would be my wife."
Koala Bear A Koala bear decides he wants to get laid, so he picks up a hooker. He goes down on her several times and they are really enjoying themselves. After they are finished the koala bear starts getting dressed. The hooker says, "wheres my money?" The koala bear shrugs his shoulders. The hooker repeats herself asking for her money. Again he shrugs his shoulders. The hooker grabs a dictionary and looks up the word hooker and shows it to the koala bear. It says "gets paid for sex." The koala bear picks up the dictionary and looks up Koala Bear and shows it to the hooker. It says, "Eats bush and leaves!"
The raffle A young man named Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Chucks house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’ Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’ The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’ Chuck said, ‘Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.’ The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with him? Chuck said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’ The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle off a dead horse!’ Chuck said, ‘Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell any body he’s dead.’ A month Later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, ‘What happened with that dead horse?’ Chuck said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495.’ The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’ Chuck said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.’
A painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown Malbay, in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses. One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude. This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, and she was willing to pay up to £10,000. Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. They talked much about the Rightness and Wrongness of it. It was hard to make the decision but finally his wife agreed, on one condition. In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The wife says it's okay. "I'll paint you in the nude all right; but I have to at least leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe my brushes.
Golden Syrup A man with a completely bald head and only one leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note. Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part. The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your **** and go as a toffee apple.
In mideval times, an aristocrat was traveling by carriage with his daughter. All of a sudden, robbers appear and steal their carriage and belongings. They're walking along the road when the daughter stops, reaches under her dress and pulls a velvet sack of jewels from inside her vagina and says: "Dad! Look...I saved the jewels!" The father says: "Great!. I should have brought your mother along. We could have saved the carriage."
Sixteen Logical Reasons Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives: 1. The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you 2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name. 3. Dogs like it if you leave lots of things on the floor. 5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across 6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go, instantly, 24 hours a day. 7. Dogs find you amusing when you're ******. 8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing. 9. Dogs won't wake you up at night to ask: "If I died, would you get another dog?" 10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and sell 'em. 11. When you drop a silent one, dogs don't run around frantically with room spray. 13. Dogs never tell you to stop scratching your balls. Instead, they sit pondering why you don't lick 'em. 14. Dogs will let you put a studded collar on, without calling you a pervert. 15. If a dog smells another dog on you, it won't kick you in the crotch; it just finds it interesting.
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 000 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. "Do you have health insurance?" she asked. He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?" He replied, "No money in the bank." "Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun. He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun." The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law!"
LIE CLOCKS A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates He saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, “What are all those clocks for?” St. Peter answered, “ Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.” “Oh”, said the man, “Whose clock is that?” “That’s Mother Theresa’s,” replied St. Peter. “The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie” “Incredible” said the man. “ And whose clock is that one?” St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham Lincoln told only two lies in his entire life.” “Where’s Donald Trump’s and Hilary Clinton’s clocks?” asked the man. St. Peter replied…………. “WE’RE USEING THEM AS CEILING FANS!"
How to impressh the nurse The last time I was sick and landed in hospital. This one nurse just drove me crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to me like I was a little child. She would say in a patronising tone of voice, “And how are we doing this morning?” Or “Are we ready for a bath?” or “Are we hungry?” I had had enough of this particular nurse. One day at breakfast, I took the apple juice off the tray and put it in my bedside stand. Later I was given a urine sample bottle to fill for testing. So you know where the juice went! The nurse came in a while later, picked up the urine sample bottle, looked at it and said, “My, my, it seems we are a little cloudy today.” At this, I snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and gulped it down, saying, “Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time!” The nurse fainted... I just smiled!
Arguing with a woman is like reading a software licence agreement, in the end you ignore it all, wait for the end and click "I agree"
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The KEY," where a small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Key." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "For all these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the key and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your tits." “Oh!”, she said, "No point asking about the beard then..........."
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party. "So, you are the great Lone Ranger"... "In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days." "Before I kill you, I grant you three requests" "What is your FIRST request?' The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent And spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse", "But I will still kill you in two days." "What is your SECOND request?" Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, This time with a voluptuous brunette, More attractive than the blonde. The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents," "But I will still kill you tomorrow." "What is your LAST request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse...alone." The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen Very Carefully!!! FOR...THE...LAST...TIME... "BRING POSSE, NOT PUSSY!"
A plane performs an emergency landing on a small island inhabited by cannibals. A son and his father were close so they went to see if there were any survivors. They stand near the plane door and a fat guy comes out, the son says, “Dad, are we going to eat him?” The father replies, “No son, look how fat he is, we might get diabetes.” After a while a really skinny man comes out of the plane, the son again says, “Dad, are we going to eat him?” The father replies, “No son, he’s too skinny, he won’t be able to feed us.” After a while a gorgeous looking female flight attendant with an amazing body comes out of the plane, the son again says, “Dad, are we going to eat her?” The father says, “No son, we’re taking her home, we’ll eat your mother!!.”
Stevie Wonder is on tour in China and the place is packed to the rafters After a number of songs the place goes crazy,the audience are on their feet screaming for more with one little Chinese fella shouting.. A Jazz Chord..A Jazz Chord. So the band and Stevie break into a medley of jazz numbers when they have finished the crowd go crazy for more. The little Chinese fella shouts. .AJazz Chord.. A Jazz Chord... So the band and Stevie go about another few numbers but the little Chinese fella isn't happy so Stevie says come up here onto the stage and explain. So the little Chinese fella gets on the stage and starts singing A Jazz Chord to say I ruv you..
I was filling up the car at the local petrol station so I went inside to get a few bits from the shop. When I walked up I noticed two really young cops were watching a woman smoking a cigarette while filling up. I saw her & thought "what an idiot....with the police right there too". I went in and got a couple bits and bobs ,as I was paying I heard someone screaming. I looked outside & the woman's arm was on fire!!! She was swinging her arm & running around going ballistic!! I rushed outside to help & the cops had put her on the ground & we're putting the fire out with their coffee!! Then, they put handcuffs on her & threw her in the police car. I was thinking "she shouldn't have been smoking & pumping petrol!" But being the nosey person that I am, I asked them what they were arresting her for? The policeman looked me dead in the eye & said "WAVING A FIREARM!"