Jokes Jokes Jokes

Discussion in 'Forum Games' started by pedagogy, Jun 2, 2010.

  1. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

    Aug 5, 2015
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    A blonde holding a baby walks into a drug store and asks the clerk if she can use the stores baby scales
    "Sorry, ma'am," says the clerk. "Our baby scale is broken. But we can figure the baby's weight if we weigh mother and baby together on the adult scale, and then weigh the mother alone, and subtract the second number from the first."
    "Oh, that won't work," says the blonde.
    "Why not?" asks the clerk.
    "Because," she answers, "I'm not the mother - I'm the aunt."
     
  2. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

    Aug 5, 2015
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    THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

    1. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

    2. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

    3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

    4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

    5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

    6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

    7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

    8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

    9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

    10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

    11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

    12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

    13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

    14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

    15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

    16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

    17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

    18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

    19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
     
  3. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    Condom factory burns down in ENGLAND
    Rt. Hon Andy Burnham MP MINISTER FOR HEALTH is awoken at 4 am by the telephone.
    Sorry to bother you at this hour, but there is an emergency!!
    I've just received word that the Durex factory in Liverpool has burned to the ground.
    It is estimated that the entire English supply of condoms will be gone by the end of the week.
    Rt. Hon Andy Burnham MP: ***** !!
    The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies.... We'll be ruined.
    We're going to have to ship some in from France?
    Bad idea! The frogs will have a field day on this one.
    Junior Minister: What about Scotland?
    Rt. Hon Andy Burnham MP: I'll call sturgeon
    Tell her we need five million condoms, ten inches long and three inches thick.
    That way they'll continue to respect the English.
    Three days later a delighted Andy Burnham MP
    runs out to open the boxes that arrived at the Post Office.
    He finds five million condoms. 10 inches long, 3 inches thick,
    all coloured blue and white with small writing on each one.
    MADE IN SCOTLAND - SIZE: MEDIUM
     
  4. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

    Aug 5, 2015
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    Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him on the seventh day, resting. He enquired of God, “Where have you been?” God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds. “Look Michael, look what I’ve made.” said God. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, “What is it?” “It’s a planet.” replied God, “and I’ve put life on it. I’m going to call it Earth, and it’s going to be a great place of balance.”
    “Balance?” replied Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of the Earth. “”For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South America is going to be poor. The Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people and over there will be a continent of black people.”
    God continued pointing to different countries. “This one will be extremely hot and arid, while this one will be cold and covered in ice.” The archangel, impressed by God’s work then pointed to a small land mass and said “What’s that one?” “Ah” said God “That’s Britain, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful rivers, streams and hills. The people from Britain are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous, and they’re going to be found travelling the world. They’ll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace.” Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed “What about balance God? You said there will be BALANCE!”
    God replied wisely “Wait until you see the wankers I’m putting next to them in France.”
     
  5. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors would become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things and thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

    Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

    Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.

    So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it's God's will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

    Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older

    #9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

    #8 Life is sexually transmitted.

    #7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

    #6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

    #5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years - unless you give them your email address.

    #4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

    #3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

    #2 In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

    #1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issuetomorrow.

    Please share this wisdom with others while I go to the bathroom.
     
  6. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    I played golf the other day with my wife. Hole number 16 runs alongside a dairy farm. We both drove off and her ball went out bounds into the farm. As that was her last ball we decided to go and find it. I lifted up the tail of one of the cows and there was a ball lodged in its backside. I said “this looks like yours”. The doctors are confident I’ll be discharged from hospital within the next three weeks, but I’ll be eating my food through a straw for the rest of my life.
     
  7. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    History of the Condom

    I've always been a student of history but I didn't know this.

    In 1272, the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.



    In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.
     
  8. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    Nicola Sturgeon, Donald Trump, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
    While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
    The Devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
    Putin calls Russia and talks for 5 minutes.
    When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque.
    Next Donald Trump calls the U.S. and talks for 30 minutes.
    When he's finished the devil informs him that the cost is 6 million dollars, so Trump writes him a cheque.
    Finally Nicola Sturgeon gets her turn and calls Scotland for 4 hours. When she's finished, the devil informed her that there would be no charge and feel free to call Scotland anytime.
    Putin and Trump go ballistic and ask the devil why did Nicola Sturgeon got to call Scotland free.
    The devil replied, "Since Nicola Sturgeon became First Minister of Scotland, the Country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
     
  9. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick.
    So he dialed the employee's home phone number after a number of rings he was answered by child's whisper
    "Hello?"
    'Is your daddy home?' '
    Small voice whispered, 'Yes, he's out in the garden ,'
    May I talk with him?'
    The child whispered,' No.'
    So the boss asked, 'Well, is your Mommy there?'
    'Yes she's out in the garden too'
    The boss asked; 'May I talk with her?'
    Again, 'No'
    Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
    'Yes, whispered the child,' a policeman . '
    Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
    'No, He's busy,' whispered the child.
    'Busy doing what?'
    'Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men. '
    Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'
    It's a helicopter 'answered the whispering voice.
    'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
    'The search team just landed a helicopter
    ' A search team?' said the boss.
    'What are they searching for?'
    Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle.... 'ME '...
     
  10. zen45

    zen45 MDL Addicted

    Feb 25, 2010
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    Cooking Eggs
    A wife is cooking eggs in the kitchen, when she turns to her husband and demands sex right away. Without delay, he makes loves to her on the table.

    �What was that all about?� he asks, a few minutes later.

    �The egg timer is broken.�
     
  11. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines.
    One day he finds a theatre where they are willing to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line, 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

    The actor is thrilled. All day long, before the play, he's practising his line over and over again. Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage and, with great passion, delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

    The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter, and the director was steaming: "You bloody fool!," he cried, "You've ruined me!" The actor was bewildered, "What happened? Did I forget my line?"
    "No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"
     
  12. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

    Aug 5, 2015
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    I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

    Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

    He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

    I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

    Eric grinned ...'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
    'No,' I replied.

    'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out........
     
  13. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    Guy goes to doctor "Doctor I think my penis is shaped like a trumpet"
    Doctor: "Ok let me have a look?"
    The guy drops his trousers and the Doc says "Wow, you're right it DOES look like a trumpet, and it's weird had a woman in here yesterday who had a vagina that looks like a mouth organ"
    Guy says: "Yeah that that would be 'Our Monica'
     
  14. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    Thomas goes into a 'Fun House' in Amsterdam one night and finds himself a professional.
    He asks her, "How much do you charge for the hour?"
    "£100," she replies.
    So he asks, "Okay do you do Glasgow style?"
    She says "No!"
    He then asks her, "I'll pay you £200 to do it Glasgow style?"
    She again says no, not knowing what Glasgow style was! So he then offers her £300. Again she declines his offer. So finally he says, "I'll give you £500 to go Glasgow style with me!"
    Finally she agrees thinking, "Well I've been in the game for over 10 years now, I've been there and done that, had every kind of request from weirdo's from every corner of the world. How bad could Glasgow style be?"
    So she goes ahead and has it with him, doing it in every kind of way and in every possible way. Finally, after several intense hours they finish. Exhausted she turns to him and says, "That was fantastic. I've never enjoyed it so much. But I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. Where does the 'Glasgow style' come in?"

    Thomas replies . . . "I'll pay you next week"