1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT 2.. FEET SHOULDER-WIDTH APART 3. FORM A LOOSE GRIP 4. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN! 5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER 6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE 7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU 8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS 9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING 10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES. WELL DONE! NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF.
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but... something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it." The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 in Insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new penis that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap…it's £1000 an inch." The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision." So the man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?" "I have," says the man. "And what is the decision?" asks the doctor. "We're having granite benchtops and a new fridge-freezer."
A young guardsman is on the gate at Buckingham palace. The RSM walks up to him and says "Right lad, the Queen is out on public duties I want to know the minute she gets back here, do you understand? The minute she's back you let me know". "Yes sir " says the young guardsman. So 10 minutes later a big limo pulls in through the gates, the guardsman stops the car, pops his head in and says " scuse me ma'am are you the Queen? " "No I'm princess Ann" "ok sorry to delay you, proceed". The next limo pulls in and he sticks his head in the window " scuse me ma'am are you the Queen? " "No I'm princess Margaret". " Ok sorry to delay you ma'am, proceed. Next limo pulls in and same again, he sticks his head in the window, "Scuse me ma'am, are you the Queen?." "Yes I'm the Queen". "Right" he says. "Well make yourself scarce love cos the RSM is lookin for you".
Nice place Connecticut is. Just like here. Some places are absolutely beautiful and others are a war zone.
Tarzan Alone Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex. Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while. Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch. In pain she screamed "What the hell did you do that for?" Tarzan replied, "Always check for squirrels."
The doorbell at the whore house rings, and the madam answers the door. She looks down and sees a man with no arms or legs. She looks at him and says "What do you want". He says "I want to get laid". She says "What can you possibly do?" He says "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?".
In the great days of the British Empire, a new Commanding Officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring Colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc.) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said: "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he’s my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless." Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself." "Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. “I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....." Here the colonel interrupted: "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. . . . . . “Tell him about the day you told the Witch Doctor to **** off."
Rabbi Weinstein was a Moil for many years. Every time he did a Bris (circumcision), He saved the foreskins and dried them out, much like leather. After 30 years, He decides to bring them to a Leather Craftsman and have Him make the Rabbi something special. So, he gives the foreskins to the craftsman, and says "I want you should make me a testimonial, for 30 years of doing Bris..." The Craftsman says: "Please come back in a month..." A month later, the Rabbi pays a visit to the Leather Craftsman. The Craftsman says: "Rabbi, you're going to like this. I made you a wallet." The Rabbi says: "To be honest, I'm a little disappointed...I expected a little bit more than a wallet." The Craftsman says: "If you rub this wallet, it turns into a briefcase."