Andrew the drover from a huge cattle station in the Australian outback appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the drover offered. "Once, on a trip to the back blocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales, I came across a gang of bikers who were threatening a young sheila. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off, or I'll kick the **** out of the lot of ya!" St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?" "A couple of minutes ago!!
About 18 months ago, my son came to me with a problem. Dad, my girlfriend wants to get married, she is nice, and really pretty, but I do not love her. I love someone else. She insists we get married, and will not leave. I thought about it and said. "Go kinky. Keep trying weird stuff until you find something she hates, and leaves." a few months later, he come to me again. "It didn't work. I tried everything i could find. Golden showers, gimp masks, ponytail butt plugs, anal, Cleveland Steamers, Rubber play, leather, i even asked her for a lesbian show, she brought home a girl from work.... Dogging, asphyxiation.... Dad, she even f**ked the dog. She still wants to get married. She is obsessed with it.""I don't love her though. I love another girl." Eventually,I came up with a solution.........And he and his new stepmother get on very well.
@JFKI: Given the number of jokes that -aren't- dupes, I still have nothing but respect and admiration for Mavericks_Choice. @Mavericks_Choice: As I have said. It would be a treat to have a beer and trade jokes with you. You rock.
My wife was born the day John Lennon died. Her mother was taken to hospital in a beetle and gave birth on the Harrison maternity ward. The Midwife who delivered her was called Mrs Rigby. In the Taxi on her way home from the hospital the driver had a tape of revolver playing. Anyway as she's now forty, I hope she's due to be shot this year.
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.' 'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married'. 'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed. 'Good,' she replied, 'Get your own f#@king blanket!' After a moment of silence, he farted.
China Had Invented A Machine That Catches Thieves; They Took It Out To Different Countries For A Test!! U.S, in 30 minutes it Caught 20 Thieves Spain, in 20 minutes it caught 25 Thieves! Swaziland, in 10 minutes it caught 6,000 thieves Zimbabwe, in 2 minutes it caught 200,000 Thieves Liverpool, in 5 minutes the Machine was GONE!
As I was onboard the Ryanair flight, a smartly dressed man sat opposite me asked "Sorry, where is this flight heading to" Rather bemused, I told him that we're scheduled for Milan. He seemed fairly drunk and apologized, we laughed it off. He looked a wealthy man and bought me drinks throughout the journey, we went from rare vintage claret to drinking buckfast and jagërbombs. He told me stories about his favourite piss-ups from various flights. We were nearing Milan and the guy must have been quite hammered at this point. He swiftly stood up and knocked back a double measure of rum..."Right, I better get back. It's the co-pilots first flight, and I promised him I'd help him land this thing!"
Mrs Smith's test Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. The lab tech tells him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that news is either bad or terrible." "What do you mean?" "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other for herpes. We can't tell which one is your wife." "That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" asked Mr. Smith. "Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" he asked. "The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."
two midgets One night these two midget brothers walk into a bar and one says "Man I'm tired of screwing midget girls lets screw real women." So the other guy agreed. 5 minutes later two blondes walk into the bar and sit by the two midgets. So the four of them get talking and the midgets ask if they want to come to there hotel rooms and stay the night and have sex. So the two blondes decide to go. In the first room the blonde and the midget were getting it on when the midget says "Oh baby, I'm sorry this has never happened before, but I can't get hard" So they give up and lay down to go asleep. But through the wall from the second room they hear "1, 2, 3 uh 1, 2, 3 uh", which keeps up all night long. So the next day after the blonde's leave the brothers meet each other again and discuss how there night went. The first midget says "Oh, my night was terrible. I just couldn't get hard." The second midget replies "Mine was worse than that" "What do you mean" said the first guy. "I heard you going "1, 2, 3 uh all night long". To which the second guy replies "Yeah! I couldn't get on the damn bed"
My wife's birthday went a bit haywire yesterday.... I asked her what she wanted as a present and she said 'any Apple product would be great'. So i bought her a couple of tins of cider
As the cops were questioning me at the scene, I tried so hard to stay cool and collected, but I could not stop bursting out into spontaneous and uncontrollable laughter. The cops finally said, "Sir, if you could just confirm that this is your wife's body that's been struck by lightning, then we'll be done here."
The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child. The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, 'This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?' The old man grinned and said, 'You get to keep the old motor running.' The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman. She said, 'Sir, you are something! How do you manage it?' The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running.' A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child. The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, 'Well, you surely are something awesome! How do you do it?' The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running' The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one is black!
A blonde mother runs her own daycare business. She has two of her own kids and has about 15 kids in her daycare. One day the blonde takes the children to the park to play, when a brunette walks up and notices the blonde and her daycare kids. She goes to the blonde and asks her, "Are all these kids yours?" The blonde replies, "No, I have two of my own." The brunette proceeds to ask which two are the blonde's. The blonde laughs and says. "My kids go to the YMCA daycare center." The brunette asks in a puzzled voice, "Why are they there when you run your own daycare?" The blonde looks at her and says, "Because I can't afford what I charge.
Climb the Ladder One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before. Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying there on a cloud. She spoke: "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before. She also spoke: "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure. She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud. "Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered. Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed caught the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar. Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400-pound, 6'8" hairy biker looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry. Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?" The biker answers, "I'm Cess."
Cleaning Suzie's Room One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen. What's wrong dearest?? asked the confused husband. Oh darling, sobbed the wife, I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do??? Well, replied the man, I guess a spanking is out of the question?
the Aussie housewife Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned-cupped herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband, Bruce! Bruce! and he came running in. Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor, she said. S'truth, Sheila! Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get me mate Cobber. They came back and they both tried to pull her up from the floor. No way, we can't do it! Cobber said, So let's try Plan B. Plan B? exclaimed Bruce, What's that? I'll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her. replied Cobber. Spot on. Bruce said, While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her nipples. Play with her nipples? Cobber said, Not exactly a good time for that mate! No Bruce replied, But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are a lot cheaper!!!