I just saw a fella in my garden who was wearing a baseball cap, rugby shirt, golfing trousers and tennis shoes, so I shouted "hey what's your fuking game"
A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One of them transfers to another city and they're lost without him. A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week? "No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says ... Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m. He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late. They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay". She's there at 6:30 a.m. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant, and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles and says, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45." The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her. The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge. This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?" The lady blushes and grins. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and forth." "I got married after college, my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf, I pull the covers off him. If his Willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed." The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?" She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."
Teacher in class says ok kids answer my next question correctly you can have Monday off....just as she's about to put the question to the kids...Johnny down the back of class gets two little black sponge balls and lashes them off the blackboard " Ok says the teacher who's the little comedian with the two black balls?" Johnny shouts" Sammy Davis junior, see you Tuesday!!!"
Michael J Fox goes to the ice cream parlour. "Can i have an ice cream please?" He says. "No problem" says the lady "what flavour would you like?" "I don't care." Says Michael. "Erm ok, do you want sauce with it?" "I don't care!" Says Michael. "What about hundreds n thousands?" "I don't care!!" Says Michael. "What about Nuts? Chocolate sprinkles? Perhaps a flake?" Asks the kind lady. "I DON'T CARE!!!!" shouts Michael. "..... you don't really care about anything do you." Says the ice cream lady. Michael says "Well I'm only gonna drop the fuking thing"
The missus is very overweight and is doing exercises to try and slim down. After jogging yesterday she thought she was having a heart attack saying she had a horrible pain under her left breast. Turned out, she had a sprained knee!
A man was sitting outside the house in which he was about to be evicted from, his wife divorces him, lost his children & his job. He picks up the empty bottle of beer near him, smashes it into the wall as he shouts; “You’re the reason I don’t have a wife” To the 2nd bottle he says “You’re the reason I lost my children & my job” then smashes it! He sees the 3rd bottle is sealed & still full of beer. He puts it aside & says to it “Stand aside my friend; I know you were not involved”
Lady's dishwasher breaks down, so she calls a repairman. She has to go out so tells him, "Don't worry about my bulldog, he won't bother you, but whatever you do, don't under any circumstances, talk to my parrot!" The man starts work, wary of the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he's ever seen, but it just lays there watching him work. The parrot however, drives him nuts, yelling & cursing. Finally, the man snaps & yells, "Shut the f**k up, ya annoyin' bastard!" Parrot replies, "GET HIM SPIKE!!"
I Told My Doctor That I Was Experiencing Hearing loss In One Ear, He Asked, "What Ear Is It?" I Said, "2018"......