When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn't even know. When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass. Then a man approached me and said, 'Enjoy life kid, be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I didn't enjoy it.' Then he passed his hand over my head and left. My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person. When I looked in the coffin, I was horrified to see that the man in the coffin was the same man who had spoken to me! I was so traumatized I couldn't sleep properly. I had terrible nightmares. I was terrified of being alone. I couldn't sleep without a night light for many years. I saw many psychologists, endured much turmoil throughout my adolescent years. It got better as I aged, but I would still occasionally wake up screaming in fear. Years later, I discovered something incredible that changed my life. The dead bastard had a twin.
When a group of tourists visited a crocodile farm, the owner of the place launched a bold proposal; - Whoever dares to jump, swim to the coast and survive, I'll give you $ 1 million. No one dared to move, suddenly, a man jumped into the water and desperately swam to the shore while being chased by all the crocodiles. With enormous luck came, taking everyone's admiration at the scene, then the owner announced; - We have a brave winner. After collecting his reward, the couple returned to the hotel, upon arrival, the manager told him; he was very brave to jump, then the man said; - I didn't jump, someone pushed me! His wife smiled... Moral: ′′Behind every successful man, there's a woman who pushes him"...
Unexpectedly, an artist's wife started having sex with him every day. Though quite unusual, he didn't question his luck, deciding to just enjoy the ride. One day, his wife approached him. "Honey? Can you sketch a picture for me?" "Of course!" he replied. "What should I draw?" "What you think our baby will look like". He stared back at her, eyes wide. Then, sighing heavily, he grabbed a pencil and pad, quickly sketched out a picture, and pushed it toward her. "What the hell is this?" she laughed, surveying the page. It was just a stick figure firing a gun at another stick figure, smiling, with no wounds showing on his stick body. "I *asked* you to imagine what our baby would look like!" she repeated. "And *I* got a vasectomy five years ago" he said "So I drew a blank".
I’m raising a glass to my grandad who single handed brought down 40 German aircraft.. He was the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had
I got a strange text last night off a number I didn't know. I replied, "Who's this?" I got a message back saying, "Your worst nightmare." Which left me a bit baffled as she was sitting next to me and hadn't moved the whole time!!.
I went to the Chinese takeaway last night and bought satay chicken It was as tough as elastic,,I went back in and said,,Your chickens rubbery He said,,Thank you very much,,,
I took my suit to the cleaners, who wanted to charge me £15. Instead I gave my suit to the charity shop next door. They cleaned and pressed it, and put it in the window. I bought it for £4.50!!..
There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, 'If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!' Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had 'fallen.' This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, 'You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen.' The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, 'I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week.'
A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk . . . naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car.
New Mexico Chili Cook-Off If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico . For those of you who have lived in New Mexico, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank , who was visiting from Gering , Nebraska . Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans ) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3." Here are the scorecard notes from the event: CHILI # 1 - MIKE 'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy. CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO 'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer. CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally , the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT ... Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? CHILI # 5 - LISA 'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them. CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally . Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone. CHILI # 7 - SUSAN 'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM 'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili? Judge # 3 -- No report
The plane leaves JFK airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.. .' 'No rike Chinese?' asks the copilot, 'why not?' 'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!' 'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.' 'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese....Doesn't matter, you're all alike!' There's a few minutes of silence... 'I no rike Jews!' the copilot suddenly announces. 'Oh yeah, why not?' Asks the captain. 'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot. 'What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!' 'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , no mattah...all freakin' same!'
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar, your honour" she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He says he just can't communicate with me!!
GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas. Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash. Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty. Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and a desirable place to visit. Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary. Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away. Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past, but alas, no future. After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
I forgot to put the seat belt on my five-year-old boy this morning. As we were leaving the car park, somebody shouted, "You are an irresponsible father!" I said, "Who the f**k was that? Pull over and Stop the car, Son !!