Louie and Rose lived in an old folks' retirement community, he a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, Louie took a few admiring glances at Rose and finally gathered the courage to ask her: “Will you marry me?” After about six seconds of ‘careful consideration,’ she answered “Yes. Yes, I will.” The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, Louie was troubled. “Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’?” He couldn’t remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called Rose. First, he explained that he didn’t remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, “When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?” He was delighted to hear Rose say, “Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I meant it with all my heart.” Then she continued, “I am so glad that you called, because I couldn’t remember who had asked me
What a s**te start to the day. First my girlfriend lectures me for 20 minutes that I can't be trusted, then I get home and the wife does the same thing!!..
Four guys enjoyed playing golf, but John had trouble seeing the ball. His friends convinced him that he needed glasses. When John finally bought a pair, his game immediately improved. Back in the clubhouse, after a few beers, one said, "John, those glesses really helped yer game." John answered, "Yeah. the ball looks like a basketball now. I just can't miss it. After a few more, he left for the toilet, but came back with the front of his jeans all wet. "Geez, John. What happened?" John said, "Don't know. I pulled it out and it looked too big for mine, so I just put it back!"
Never EVER Lie to a Woman........ A man called home to his wife and said, " Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" " Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. " The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to Do?" You'll love the answer... The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box ..." Never Lie To A Woman...!!!
Teacher asks class to name groups of animals.. Jimmy says"A herd of Cows" Maggie says"A flock of Sheep" Sandra says"A school of Whales" Wee Frankie thinks for a min,puts up his hand & says, "What about a Dose of Crabs....."
My local vicar got the sack for carrying on with his housekeeper. I can't remember whether they found his vest in her pantry or her pants in his vestry?
A little old lady in a nursing home who's always running up and down the corridors lifting the helm of her night dress shouting "SUPERSEX, SUPERSEX....." One day she runs up to an elderly man in a wheelchair lifts the helm of her night dress and says "SUPERSEX, SUPERSEX......" The elderly man looks up at her for a second or two then says........... "I think i'll have the soup please.........."
Can't See Stone = the stone is still there but it's foggy so you can't see it Stone Gone = the stone is gone
The inventor Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your Motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of women? "God said, "Ah, yes. " "Well, " said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention." God was somewhat taken back, and when He asked what the flaws might be, Arthur Davidson produced a list for Him to read. 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions. 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds. 3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much. 4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust and finally, 5. The maintenance costs are outrageous. "Hmmmm, you may have some good points there and it may be true that My invention is flawed... " God said to Arthur. "But the last time that I checked, more men are riding My invention than yours."
Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. She suggested I go down to the senior centre and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club. She said "Are you nuts? You're almost 68 years old and you're going to start jumping out of aeroplanes?" I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card. She said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!" I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do! I signed up for five jumps a week!