A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No. What did that stupid monkey do this time?" says the patron. "Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole" says the bartender. "Yeah, well I hope it kills him because he's been driving me nuts," says the patron. The guy finishes his drink and leaves. Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar. He grabs one, sticks it up his butt, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "What now?" responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a peanut up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it" says the bartender. "Well, what do you expect?" replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that darn cue ball he measures everything first!"
A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having all these years ? Well, they're gone.' 'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened ?' His wife replies, 'Angie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, I do not have a headache I do not have a headache I do not have a headache Well, it worked ! The headaches are all gone.' 'Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband. His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that ?' Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.' He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, 'WOW ! - that was wonderful !' The husband says, 'Don't move ! I will be right back.' He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning 'OH MY GOD' she proclaims. Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.' With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying .... She's not my wife She's not my wife She's not my wife' His funeral service will be held Saturday.
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh s**t.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their Dad for a clue. The dad said -"well its what Mommy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. Its an asshole!"
Postcard from one Redneck to another: Dear Billy Jo, I'm writin' this real slow cause I know you can't read very fast. We don't live where we did when you left. We read in the paper that most accidents happen within ten miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you our new address cause the last family that lived here took the house numbers with them so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place has a washing machine. The first day mama put four shirts in, pulled the chain and we ain't seen them since. ... It only rained here twice this week. Three days the first time and five days the second time. I know it is cold where you are so we're sending you a coat. Mama said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with them buttons on it, so we cut'em off and put'em in the pockets. We got a letter from the funeral home. They said if we don't make the last payment on grandma's funeral bill, up she comes!! My sister had a baby this morning. I ain't heard whether if's a boy or a girl so I don't know if I'm an uncle or an aunt. Uncle John fell in the big whiskey vat. When they tried to pull him out, he fought them off, so he drowned. We creamated him and he burned for three days. Three of my friends went off the bridge in a pick-up truck. One was driving, the other two was in the back. The driver got out cause he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned, they couldn't get the tailgate down. Well, I hope this catches you up on things that's going on around here!! Your cuz, Bubba
After an examination, the doctor said to his patient: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?' 'In fact, I do.' said the old man.. "After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty." When the doctor examined his wife a short time later he said, 'Everything appears to be fine. Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?' The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband mentioned an unusual problem. He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea about why?' "Oh, that crazy old coot'' she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July, and the second time is in January." >> Daddy Longlegs (read the WHOLE story to appreciate it). A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. 'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked. 'They're mating,' her father replied. 'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked. 'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered. 'So, the other one is a Mummy Longlegs?' the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.' 'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stamped them flat. 'Well, we're not having any of that poofta s**t in our garden' she said. >> A man walks into the New York City bank and asks for the loan officer. He tells the Loan Officer that he was going on some business for 2 weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The Loan Officer tells him that the bank will need Some form of security for the loan. So the man hands over the keys and the documents of the new Ferrari car parked on the street in front of the bank. The loan officer consults the president of the bank, Produces all the required items and everything check out to be OK. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as a security for the loan. The bank president and the Loan Officer had a good laugh at the For keeping a $750,000 Ferrari as a security and taking only $5,000 has a loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari Into the banks underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later the man returns and pays $5000 and the interest which comes to it $15.41. Seeing this, loan officer says, “Sir, we are very happy to have your business And this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you are away, we checked you out and Found out that you were a multi millionaire. What puzzled us was why would you bother to borrow $5000?” The man replies "Where else in the New York City can I park my car for 2 weeks and For only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return".
Well, let's not forget the posts are meant to be jokes only. I am very curious what will happen to w8....when it became gold.
Dear miss, your application for joining our dating website has been declined due to you answer to question 14.' "What is the best way to a mans heart???..." 'Through the back, between the shoulder blades with a big knife' is not an appropriate answer!!!! Enjoy guys/gals
THIS IS WHY SWEETS ARE BAD FOR YOU!!!!!!! Mr cadbury met miss Rowntree on a Double Decker. It was just after Eight. They got off at Quality Street. He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said with a Wispa. i'm Marathon, the one with all the nuts' he replied. He touched her cream eggs then slipped his hand into her Snickers. He fondled her Flapjacks and she rubbed his Tic Tacs. It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight. But 3 days later his Sherbert Dip Dab started to itch. Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett, and he had Allsorts!!???
God is creating man as he suddenly notices: Ooops, I have run out of brain...hmmmm.....never mind! I use boobs now. To all female members: It's a joke only....