An American, a British and an Iraqi An American, a British and an Iraqi are in a bar one night having a beer. The Yankee drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In the States our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice." The Brit obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Britain we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either." The Iraqi, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the American and the Brit. He says "In Baghdad we have so many Americans and Brits that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."
The elected The elected We celebrated the retirement of Father Gauthier by a farewell dinner given to the parish. A politician, member of organizing committee, was invited and had to make a short speech. As he did not arrive, the priest decided to say a few words to pass the time: - The first impression I had of our parish I had with the first confession I had to listen. I then thought that the bishop had sent me in a terrible place where the first person that told me to confess to stealing a television, stole money from his father, also stole the company she worked for , not to mention his sex with the wife of his boss. Sometimes he also was engaged in drug trafficking. Finally, upon completion, he confessed that he had a venereal disease to her own sister. I was appalled, but over time, I met other people and I noticed that everybody was not like that. I then saw a parish full of people responsible and having faith. And that's why I spent the most wonderful 25 years of my priesthood. At that moment arrives the elected who speaks with apologies for the delay: - I will never forget the first day of the arrival of Santa in our parish. In fact, just imagine that I had the honor of being the first to confess to him! Google translate. i hope you understand well.
If this is not love .... hi If this is not love .... Two little old ladies cross the street. - How are you Margaret? - Oh! I have not the moral ... I just lost my husband! - Oh! What happened? - I have sent in the garden looking carrots and leeks to make soup. He was taken ill. I called for assistance. When they arrived, he was already dead of a heart attack ... - What did you do then? - Pasta ... !
The watch The watch This is a guy who waits for the bus with two large suitcases at his feet. A guy comes in and asks the time. - It is 3:45 p.m., the guy answers after looking at his watch. Then the other way says: - Wow, your watch is superb! - Yes, that's true, and most importantly, it has many functions: eg, it can be programmed to tell time in over 50 different cities in the world, and in addition, talking! Thereupon, the guy presses a few buttons, and the watch starts to say "Here in Calcuta, it is now 1:45." Then the guy touches a button and watch more starts to tell time in English! Showing the screen of the watch, he adds: - And there you see, it's a city map that can zoom in at will by clicking here, and this little flashing dot is the position where one is located in the city given to us satellite through the GPS system! While the other is open-mouthed, the guy with the watch continues: - This watch can also receive FM radio with RDS. There is an option but it requires a TV LCD too bulky. A telemetry system can also measure distances and finally, finally, a high capacity memory card lets a voice recording of two hours ... The other guy is blown away: - I want to buy this watch: I must have it now! - Oh no, I am the inventor and I still can not you sell it now: I'm still fix bugs, it's still a prototype, you know ... - I offer you five thousand $! - Wow another hey! I have already spent twice as much for creating it. - I offer you 20,000 $then! - It is not for sale I tell you ... - Come on, I offer you 50,000 $, says the guy taking out his checkbook While there, the brilliant inventor and thinks quickly, he realized that his interest is to sell the watch to make a new and he said: - Tope there for 50,000 $. Then he removed the watch from his wrist and gives its new owner, delighted. And the new owner of the watch gives the check for 50,000 $, turns and goes, but the inventor points out: - Hey, wait a minute ... Then, showing the two suitcases: You forget the batteries!
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Things people actually said in court, word for word... Things people actually said in court, word for word... Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.
Actually yes, but we have left it here, because here is the post count disabled, at the chit-chat section it counts. Top 20 Reasons Why Chocolate is Better Than Sex 1. You can GET chocolate. 2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate. 3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft. 4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving. 5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to. 6. You can have chocolate in front of your mother. 7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind. 8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names. 9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate. 10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your work mates. 11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped. 12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate. 13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it. 14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant. 15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month. 16. Good chocolate is easy to find. 17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle. 18. You are never to young or to old for chocolate. 19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake. 20. With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always good.
an eighty year old man wins a lottery. suddenly, after a lifetime of being poor, and only hard work, he is now a millionaire.. within days, he marries a gorgeous twenty year old blonde. after a while, she tells him that she is pregnant. much to his surprise, for he has been impotent for at least 20 years.. he visits the local priest, tells him the good news, and asks his question; revered priest, how can this be when i have been safe from this for over twenty years? well, my good man, his priest answers.. i shall tell you a true story.. it is about an englishman taking a walk on the african savannas,, he wore a homburg hat, and carried an umbrella, as such people always do.. suddenly, he is attacked by a wild lion. with the greatest sang-froid, he shoulders his umbrella and fires it at the lion. the lion drops dead in his tracks. now how, i ask you in my turn, can this happen? needless to say, our man has no answer, and asks for an explanation. well, the priest tells him, the solution is actually simple; behind the man with the umbrella was a man with a real gun..
Master of the home Master of the home A man returned home after completing a whole reading recent best seller title "Master of the home". He stormed into the House and goes directly to his wife. Of the more authoritarian tone, he told her: -As of today, I want you to know that I am the master of this home and that it is my view that the Act! Tonight, I want you prepare me the most sumptuous meals and when I have finished eating, I expect that you serves a tasty dessert. After that, you'll be me pouring a bath so I can relax me. And out of the bath, devine who must dress and hair me? -The funeral director my old. No one else...