need some serious advice

Discussion in 'Serious Discussion' started by RanCorX2, Mar 30, 2019.

  1. RanCorX2

    RanCorX2 MDL Addicted

    Jul 19, 2009
    ok i live at home with my mum (you at the back stop laughing) yes i'm in my 30's, anyway that's not the point...

    my sister who has a catalog of bad life decisions is make me and my mums life hell.

    ok, let me take you back...

    she hasn't lived in my parents house for 20+ years she basically moved out to start her own life, she moved to london, married a guy named Karim and has pretty much given us the impression she has hated her life since, the thing is she's not an easy person to live with as she likes to complain about everything under the sun, also got married in secret (didn't tell parents) and got pregnant too and again only told them when the baby was due.

    fast forward a bit, little one is 11, she walked out with her son (who's autistic) of the london flat last nov giving domestic abuse as the reason and first went to a refuge, the thing is she refuses to tell us 99% of what's going on and still does which is annoying. she then got put up (temp) in a family friends bungelow but she eventually found her too much to handle and they had to move out, she could've got to the refuge in our town but me and mum made the dumb decision of having her here at home.

    since then she's had many outbursts, she takes out all her frustration, anger etc on us and constantly turns all arguements around to make us the ones that don't understand / care / make us feel guilty / bad etc.
    all the while telling us we are upsetting her soon which is bs as she only acts crazy round us.

    she also tells us things out of the blue like one day she suddenly told us she has autism too, we honestly (well i) don't know if half the stuff she tells us is true or crazy talk....when she hardly tells us anything.

    she's been going to court appointments regarding custody of her son and also acts nasty leading up to one but also when there is no appointments. she's very random.

    my question is, how would we go about making them move out and would that even be possibly? because my mum has had high blood pressure recently (it has now gone down) and is now depressed because of the constant complaining and whining by my sister.

    should i / we feel guilty if we had to or decided to kick them out? because it's frankly pissing me off and making mum sick.

    i already tried complaining to our local refuge but they are useless and won't take her because she's in a "safe place"....

    it's her mental state that's the problem and she won't take ANY advice or help from us or family or friends. only her support worker who we've never met and who she won't even have come here. we haven't even had a social worker visit yet to see what's going on.

    bit lost on what to do, i'm already trying to work from home which is just not possible right now.

    any thoughts oh wise forum folk? i'm in the uk btw. some of you must have been through something like this?

    i do feel a bit better after writing all that sh... down.
  2. LiteOS

    LiteOS Windowizer

    Mar 7, 2014
    Vitamins b might help her mood
    Especially in great amounts
    Also let her try b3 with flush helps hving more clamness

    Reducing sugar and bread also might help

    About let her out only u can answer it
    Cos its moral decistion any way u gonna decide will impact u and ur mom or her and her childs
  3. boyonthebus

    boyonthebus MDL Expert

    Sep 16, 2018
    No you should not feel guilty. Perhaps kicking her out would make her realize her part in things, but if your mum's health is suffering that should be of major importance. I am sure your health isn't doing too well either. You need to check your local laws about house guests/renters to see what can be done. Then follow through. It is time to stop enabling her bad behaviour.
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  4. RanCorX2

    RanCorX2 MDL Addicted

    Jul 19, 2009
    I will consider it if her behaviour gets any worse as it's really pissing me off right now, using autism as an excuse to be hurtful to me and her / my mum, plus because her 11 yr old son has autism she lets him do whatever the hell he wants and when he's bad she just says it's his autism...he's always in the living room watching tv, flicking through the channels, putting dvds on, toys and clutter everywhere. i know some of it's autism and i let it slide, but she doesn't do anything to make things better than they could be. i already shouted at her a few days ago wishing we hadn't offered her accomodation (not that is did any good)

    it's all her stupid husbands fault for turning her into the crazy person she is now, he's got a lot to answer for, all his bad ways have rubbed off on her. i won't say what country he's from but i hate him for all the problems he's caused, none of my family like him either.

    feels like i'm in a sodding episode of eastenders (ughh)
  5. Krager

    Krager MDL Senior Member

    Jan 9, 2017
    #5 Krager, Mar 30, 2019
    Last edited: Mar 30, 2019
    Sounds like your sister is someone very hard to live with. I don't have any practical advice for you, but your problems make mine look a little smaller. Wife has a chronic illness, medical bills piling up, but at least there's no issue with bad behavior. I can relate to the complaining part. I have to suffer that a lot myself, but in some sense the wife is justified having the medical issues she does, Though it's been this way for a long time, has completely changed my outlook on life, not the same person I was.

    One thing that helps is to know that change is the one thing you can count on in life. Things will change at some point hopefully for the better. Maybe give it some time and see if things work out on their own. Maybe you can get away from the living situation yourself.
  6. MS_User

    MS_User MDL Guru

    Nov 30, 2014
    man that sounds like a very difficult situation but if a person is bringing u down you have to cut them lose and let them go no matter how much it hurts even family....many people confuse kindness for weakness.
  7. Michaela Joy

    Michaela Joy MDL Crazy Lady

    Jul 26, 2012
    #7 Michaela Joy, Apr 4, 2019
    Last edited: Apr 5, 2019
    It sounds like she's bipolar.
    All you can do is wait for an opportunity and get the police to place her in mandatory psych care.

    You need to practice tough love here. You're dealing with a potential psych patient and that can become dangerous.

    Be careful.
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  8. zen45

    zen45 MDL Addicted

    Feb 25, 2010
    sounds like your between a rock and a hard spot, the only reason your staying is to take care of your mother , you may have to sit your mother down and talk to her and tell her how you feel and how you think its not working with her living there! remember her friend threw her out for a reason . you might talk to your mother and see if you can help get her into her own place that would solve your problem ! it sounds like you really don't want her living there for years driving you nuts and throwing tantrums !
  9. Yen

    Yen Admin
    Staff Member

    May 6, 2007
    #9 Yen, Apr 9, 2019
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2019
    I think important is to make a decision and then to follow it without any further compromise / shift of opinion.

    You and your mum are the ones who lived 20+ years there and you decided to let your sister and her son coming in your house.
    That was good will and will to help.

    Talk to your mum what she wants. Important is that you both are in agreement.
    I dunno how’s about exercising domestic authority. Maybe seek advice of legal representative first. I assume that it’s your mum’s property and she’s the right to exercise...remember..... your sister had been thrown out of family friend's bungalow already....It wouldn't be the first time...

    Then announce your decision to your sister in a round where everybody is present, your mother also.

    Make clear that the current situation needs a change!!! And that you are willing to realize a change for sure.

    For instance: (And IMHO this is the right way…)
    Announce that she and her son have to leave until (name a certain fair date), maybe with reasoning. But that doesn't matter (if your sister does not listen at all).

    Say that you'd appreciate you could realize her move out in cooperation with her...but make clear that there is no other way than her moving out. Maybe offer to go with her to a social worker / institution to find a way together with her. Again make clear that there is no other way but to leave, though.

    Your sister should feel about your (and your mom’s) resoluteness.
    Also announce that if she does not cooperate that you are doing it either way. (To throw her out)

    Once a (this) decision is made you have to follow through on it.
    You and your mom have to be tough!

    If she does not go voluntarily after the announce date...
    Take away all the keys.
    When they leave and want come back don’t let them in anymore. If she makes trouble call the police.

    Or: (This is a more pleasant way…but judging from own experiences a way that changes actually not much, since personalities do not change…quickly.)

    Decide that she and her son can stay. But then you have to live with her, literally.
    And you have to find a solution without throwing her out.

    Either way you need to realize that something has to change. And you have to get active about that. The situation does not resolve on its own.
    You have to rely on your sister’s will to cooperate and there must be a will to change.

    The problem is moving in circles....while not making a clear decision following ONE direction.
    Do you want your sister moving out or not?
    Can you live with her ATM?

    IF you cannot live with her THEN she has to go! There is no other way.
    Contrary to this actually unbeatable argument there is the feeling to be responsible for your sister and maybe remorse.

    You have to make yourself clear that you did already help your sister and her son taking them up in your house.

    But you also have to accept that you and your mom have limits and they are probably reached already. You are just humans, not somebody who is here who can resolve all the others problems. Sister or not.
    You simply have not the ability to do -it is human- and it is normal!

    It is strength to recognize that, no weakness….
    And do not confuse love with dependency. You can let your sister and her son go and still love them. (love is unaffected no matter what they say.... you know it best).

    Most important is that you are in agreement with your mom and that you both have a strong appearance against your sister and her son who are GUESTS in your house.
    Your sister should respect that fact and the fact that it's a favour of you to let her live there and it's not her house.
    There is no rental agreement nor they do pay for rent, right?

    Your original intention was to help.
    But now you had realized that it was a bad idea / that you cannot.

    You don't have to feel bad or even guilty about that.

    Just my personal idea. Feel free to post if I should have misunderstood something...:)
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  10. RanCorX2

    RanCorX2 MDL Addicted

    Jul 19, 2009
    small update...i had to call the police in the end as she got worse, i had big panic attack because she wouldn't stop yelling and acting nuts, she even cut them off when i was trying to speak to them, then they rung back and eventually came round.

    long story short, we made her move out to temporary housing, she basically hates me now, small price to pay for less stress at home.

    she still needs help but won't admit she has a problem, so what can do, ay? stupid uk laws in this country means you can't get their doctor to do anything without the person with the problem to grant permission to get help.
  11. MS_User

    MS_User MDL Guru

    Nov 30, 2014
    at least u got her out of your home that was dangerous situation with a unstable of luck.
  12. Yen

    Yen Admin
    Staff Member

    May 6, 2007
    An answer you probably don't want to get: Nothing ATM.
    The laws are not 'bad' since there has to be self-determination at first place. Consider the laws would be could easily make sure that any 'unwanted' person can get immense trouble...

    Anyway I understand your situation. Reminds me of family dramas where a close relative had problems with alcohol..being self-destructive but without any own insight to accept the need for help...
    When getting involved too much the depression spreads and the entire family is negatively affected. When doing 'nothing' there is no help...just watching how the person is going down...

    ..not easy..but without own insight of her any attempt to help fails....also you need own distance to keep your own nerves....
    She's to make the next can be there for her when it happens.
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